brazilbean

Closure: A New Beginning (with Photos)

2007-06-12T12:12:00.000-11:00

Odd title, I know. But I thought and thought about it, and I realized that I want to close down this site. Closure has been a large part of Part II of my travels, and this site is one of the last things I need to finish up to be able to really say, "I am done."

I am devising a way to keep in touch though. I am not sure if it will be a blog or some other nifty internet technology, but this has worked and I want to keep it going since it has brought me so much joy. And some of you have "lovingly" called me to mat about keeping you updates – a fact I feel is more than fair since I did decide to leave.

For those not yet aware, I am currently in Santiago de Chile. No, I am not still traveling. I was here Oct-Dec 2006, and then I went to Brazil for 2.5 months and after that to the States for a month and a half. I am here because I live here now. Yes, I decided that this was my place. I knew when I left almost two years ago that staying in Latin America was a real possibility, and it happened. I have been here for 1.5 months and I still do not have a full time job or apartment, but such is the life when one immigrates to another country. I remain positive that I will find all of these things at the right time.

As you may remember South America kicked my butt. I dove into some deep personal things here. In the end, "coming home," meant endless things for me. Being here, among the Americans of the South really brought me back to a life I knew before America, the Beautiful. It reminded me of cafe con leche, rice and beans, child abuse, guarana, the pains (and joys) of growing up with a single mom, the violence I experience from my father as a kid, the joy of speaking Portuguese and now basic Spanish, and Latin beats.

And, because life gives us exactly what we can handle when we are ready for it, South America, or specifically, Chile, also gave me Bikram Yoga, amazing friends, and a therapist from heaven. In addition, I was able to work on an outstanding project with af friend to address child abuse in Chile's kindergartens and child care centers. Together these factors created a perfect place to work through what it has meant to be I, Júlio, reflect on traveling for so long, the work I do for social justice, and to be a more fully formed human being.

Some lessons, 'cause I know you like this format:

TOGETHER ALONE: We really are alone in the world. And, at that same time we depend a thousand percent in the connections we have to people and places. The trick, I have known, and I am continuously learning is to NOT shut ourselves out from others in order to be stronger, independent or to pull ourselves up with our own emotional bootstraps. Rather, the trick is to remember that we have the capacity to provide all that we need for our own survival, and also provide much of what we need for many other things. Additionally, we need people to depend on us so that we too can comfortably depend on people.

Love, as a concept, is interactive, and we need to be ready to be in that interaction if we want to build friendships, family, meaningful work and romantic relationships. And, what they (you know, "them") say is true – we truly are the best partners when we are well with ourselves.

I will add to self-health and say that we also need to be ok with the fact that most, if not all of our relationships exist because we need something. Love, unlike the movies, does not come without some sort of power cord, so to speak. We plug in because we need to learn something, we need to share in the energy of others, we need to be cared for, and we need to be needed. There is something to be said about being OK with this, about realizing that these exchanges are what attract friends and lovers, what attract us to our favorite teacher, or connect us to perfect strangers at coffee shops, the library or on the street.

I yearn more and more to make the connections I have authentic, even if I have made, and will make more mistakes in the future. Authenticity, I have also learned has to start with being true to ourselves. And, self-authenticity is the hard type to come by. It means looking in, being accountable to our actions, and looking straight at – our own reflection.

THE TOUGHEST PART: Transformation does not happen without pain. The hardest part of Part 2 of my travels was not the work I did interpersonally. This was the toughest personal work I have ever done, but I chose to be in it, and I committed to it 100%. The toughest part is that it hurt Drew, my now, ex-boyfriend. Drew is an AMAZING person that deserves the ABSOLUTE BEST and I, for many reasons at this point, was not able to provide that to the relationship we created. My personal process deeply affected the relationship which friends deemed DREWLIO. I am deeply sorry to him and those that love him. I wish it had happened differently.

THERE IS NO SPOON: As you know I love The Matrix and this reference is to the fact that we can all actually bend a spoon with our minds because that which bends is never the spoon, but ourselves.

My decision to uproot myself was a natural one since I felt (and feel) deep within that this is the step that I need to take right now in my life. While I have real fears of – will I be happy? Get a job? Have success? Make friendship connections like the ones in the States and Brazil? Be ok far from my family? Learn the language? – I also have a gut feeling that this is good, and right.

What has allowed me peace and comfort in this process is that I have gone back to the root in some ways. The root is the simple questions: do I want to do this right now and do I have it in me to succeed? A simple "yes" made my decision feel wonderful. Sure, there have been challenges, but these have made me value more that which I have chosen. The process more than (ok, maybe, equal to) the goal has been important. This experience is making it so that I bend more and more.

Finally, I wanted to the THANK YOU for reading this blog. I had no idea when I created it that so many people would read it, send it to friends, and refer to it months after I wrote about an experience. I felt (and feel) really blessed to have people like you in my life. I continue to hope that these words, experiences, random thoughts, overly honest life processes can be of use to you.

Photos of Part II:

Best Part II
http://www.flickr.com/photos/brazilbean/sets/72157600345851839/

World Travel – 10 Sets (9 of Part II, and best of Part I)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/brazilbean/collections/72157600005282858/

LOST ALL CONTACT INFO: PLEASE RESPOND

2007-04-09T06:11:00.001-11:00

Dear all,

One of the eventful things about traveling and moving to another country is that one has to always figure out ways to keep what is important in a safe place. Last August I did just that. I bought an external hard drive and saved all of my important files, including my Outlook rolodex with all of your lovely contact information. Well, the world of computing had other plans for me and all that I had in the Outlook file has now disappeared.

So, I write to you and ask you to please send me your contact information - phone numbers, address, web page address, skype name...all you got and are comfortable with sending.

On other news, I am now in Chile. I spent my first few days seeing friends and having a great time returning. Today, Monday, I am making contacts and attempting to find a job.

Hugs to all and Thank you,

Julio
New Chile Cell: 56-9-9406-8920

"I wish I could be like, 'Houston, we have a problem,' but I know I'd be more like, 'Houston! Houston! Pick up! Pick UP!' and come off all needy."

www.brazilbean.net

Shanti, Shanti: Livin' La Vida Loca

2007-04-01T19:08:00.001-11:00

Dear Family and Friends,

I have updated my blog with latest news:

http://brazilbean.blogspot.com/

See:

-return to the States
-move to Chile
-need job

Kisses to all,

Julio

"I wish I could be like, 'Houston, we have a problem,' but I know I'd be more like, 'Houston! Houston! Pick up! Pick UP!' and come off all needy."

www.brazilbean.net

Shanti, Shanti: Livin' La Vida Loca

2007-03-30T05:24:00.000-11:00

Yes, it has been a very long time since I have entered any text into this blog. Life’s ebbs and flows have kept me away, but I thought I should return to update you on a few important things.

Before I start I wanted to summarize the last entry that was uploaded November 14 and then December 18. The 14th one was probably memorable because I spoke about child abuse and a lot of other issues I was addressing while in Chile. The 18th one was basically me saying that sending the 14th one was a complicated decision and clarifying a few things.

Now, three months later I can give you some updates:

---My personal work in Chile was outstanding. I truly took the time to write in a diary, go to therapy, do a hell of a lot of yoga and have a lot of time with friends and fun. Together these activities allowed me to learn more about what is important to me, and how I want to live my life.

---In Chile I also was asked to help out my friend Romina with a project she was working on at the National Network of Kindergartens and Childcare Centers. This work resulted in our co-writing Chile’s national plan against sexual abuse and the maltreatment of children in the kindergartens and childcare centers of the country. It was amazing work and next Tuesday (4th) it is being presented at the Chilean congress, and it is now being implemented nationwide. It felt great to put my public policy skills to work, participate in a project so closely related to some of my growing up issues and help a friend who is an outstanding project manager.

---Chile also brought me the jewels of my travels – more amazing people. Juan Pablo (Juampy), Roberto, Rodrigo, Juan Pablo (Juampa), Manu, Mauricio, Max, Mane, Dulce, Fiore, Nacio were only some of the people that made my time in Chile and especially new year’s so memorable.

---Pepa (Romina’s) partner was my PAPA while in the city. I lived with him and we shared our mutual love for coffee, wine and Romina. He is heaven sent. He is an individual whose heart surpasses the imaginable and connects deeply and easily with you without saying a word. I miss him everyday.

---I also decided to skip Argentina. I had had it with being a tourist and needed to go home, so I left to my best friend Ana’s house in Rio. This was only a sad decision because I really wanted to see Christian, who is Ana’s brother-in-law, while in Argentina.

---Brazil was outstanding. It was the first time in about 15 years that I was there for carnaval. Ana was my carnaval specialist and made sure I made it to all the parties, events and samba schools. I danced many nights away, drank a lot and spend endless days on the beach. This trip was also memorable because three Americans and two Chileans joined me for carnaval itself. Tricia, Tonja and Yolanda from the States and Juampy and Roberto from Chile painted the town with me every night as the pictures will show.

---And, all of these changes made staying in my relationship with Drew impossible. This is perhaps the hardest part of it all. It does not help that I handled our separation quite badly. Drew is an outstanding person that I love very much, and who deserves all that he wants in this world.

---I am now in the United States. I am taking care of my two brothers Mitchell and Christopher while my parents are in Brazil adopting one of m cousins. He is 15 and his name is Jair. It will be a good change in the house, as we grow to 6 in our immediate family. It feels good and a bit funny after having grown up alone with my mother.

BIG NEWS ALERT:

Perhaps the biggest news from me is that I have decided to move to Santiago de Chile. My time in Latin America as I have written before truly moved me, and this is the right time to do it. Here are some reasons:

--Chile feels like home in my soul. Latin America has a texture that agrees deeply with who I am.
--Chile has one of the fastest, if not the fastest growing economy in South America and its internationalization makes it a place that has a global perspective on things.
--Chile’s army is not big enough to go bomb other countries in search of imaginary weapons.
--Santiago is a San Francisco in Latin America. It’s size and feel are perfect for me.
--Santiago is the only city in Latin America that has bikram yoga, a practice I know I need in my life.
--I want to speak a third language fluently.
--I want to be closer to Brazil.

NEED SOME ASSISTANCE:

--No, I do not have a job in Chile. And, well, I don’t even have the right to work right now. The principal way one is allowed to work is through being sponsored by an organization. So, please…

--Send me any and all job possibilities you hear about in Santiago.
--Send me websites or other places where you think I could find a job.
--Contact names for people who may know people who can help me out.

I leave on Tuesday, April 3rd.

Will keep this up from Chile…please ask questions, engage and most of all…know that you now have place to stay when you come visit the Andes.

Kisses,

Julio (Hulio)

Reflections About My Last Entry

2006-12-18T09:11:00.000-11:00

Writing the last entry was an experience. All in all I am very glad I did it. It seems to have been an important part of the process I have embarked on. I was also reminded that no matter how much I crave to be real, transparent and authentic, life reminds me that our liberation in some way stops where other people´s lives begin. I reckon it is the equilibrium of it all, living in a planet with so many people, and trying to be good so that goodness comes to us.

Consequently, I am very happy for the numerous emails I received from people discussing their own experiences with the topic, and thanking me for being open, and giving them a sense of OKness about their own stories. This for me was much of my intent in writing it. And, it was the gift of this type of openess.

And, I wish that my email had not bothered others. I received emails expressing the wish that I had not sent my entry out, heard of negative comments people made, and others requested to be removed from the blog. I sincerely apologize if I offended anyone. It was not my intent. I hope that it did not create a wall, rather than my intended opening, between me and you.

I also wanted to speak to two specific items in the email.

One is that it should be obvious to all that my life experiences deeply affect my mother who provided safety and care for me in every moment of my life. She is a hero to me in a million different ways, but more than anything in her endless goal of providing the best life possible for me. The experiences I had, the moments of danger, were meant to be in some way. I don´t think anyone who has ever loved me would have ever wanted bad things to happen to me. Yet, life is bigger than our wishes and bad things happen. It reminds me of one of my favorite songs about parenthood - On Children. It say that "Children are not our children, they are the sons and the daughters of life´s longing for itself. They come through your, but they are not from your, they belong not to you." We, the children of our parents, belong to life and its roller coaster.

The other item had to do with the people with whom I have chosen to share my romantic life. It should be obvious to those who have been with me, and those who have met my partners that I have not selected "bad men" to be with. Yes, it has happened and the "deceased" and Richard (long, long ago) definitely fall in the category of bad men in the end of the equation of my life with them. Still, I have selected outstanding men in my life and I am very happy to know in my heart that from each of them I have learned, been deeply loved, and grown more and more into who I am today. I am thankful that after so much that I have lived that life has brought me such outstanding people full of love, compassion and sincerity. Thank you.

I hope everyone is well. Things are good with me. Working very hard on all the items I wrote about, and feeling great about where the road is taking me. Oz does not seem as far as before.

CHILE: BACK to BASICS - A Journey Into G-d Knows Where

2006-11-14T10:17:00.000-11:00

It has been a long time and I am not going to write about a place I have been to. I am sorry to all of you who really want to hear about Peru. It will come someday...but for now I am in a different place, a different space. I hope this entry brings some light into the quiteness that has passed in the last few weeks. Do note that this email is pretty what some Chileans would call "heavy," as in the vernacular - QUE HEAVY.

Perhaps the oddest thing about traveling as I have is that when one allows one´s self, if one is open and willing to be vulnerable to life, to travel inside one finds a great deal of things that were unexpected. For instance, the last few weeks have consisted of a great deal of addressing unresolved child abuse issues I had simply forgotten about. I mean, why would I want to remember or overly focus on moments in my life where I basically had very little power and influence over my own destiny? Why would anyone? Those of you who have engaged me in this topic know that it has basically been a topic that I am ok with. Kind of like - it happened, it´s done, life´s short, move on. Maybe that happens with a lot of people. I don´t know. It seems understandable.

What I do know is that some combination of the people I have met in Latin America, doing a lot of yoga, and being in the region of my infancy has made a whole bunch of things come to the surface that are scary, some ugly, and most very good for understanding and moving on in a more healthy, true way. For instance, I have come to realize that a lot of the way that I am in romantic relationships (short or long term) reflect some of the ways I learned to protrect myself from abuse as a child. (NOTE HERE: Not abuse from my family, but a neighbor.) From some theories that I have exchanged over email with my therapist the lack of power in such situations makes it so one actually starts to see sex, or the provision of sex as a tool to liberation rather than simply the crime that is being committed. It is in no way a logical narrative, but rather one of survival. I think a lot about the stories I have read of child sex trafficking. For instance, if a 7 year old knows that the only way to end sexual abuse is to provide sex in order for it to end, and that is the only option, then it is a logical conclusion. And, an intelligent one for the moment, the situation, context.

Unfortunately, for those of us who have had such experiences, and I am certain I am not alone in this group of nearly 400 people who receive these emails, the narrative of survival sometimes haunts and hurts us. In my case it seems like I have translated and retranslated my narrative of providing physically, emotionally, patiently, etc, as a door to acceptance and liberation, sometimes to my own detriment. And, more unfortunate, is that these narratives can sometimes be the ones we fluctuate to naturally...marrying abusers, people with history of addictions, etc. And further and I believe worst, we pull away from those who provide us safety and comfort and love because that feels unconfortable, or we see the lack of struggle as lacking excitement.

The is no question that Child Sexual Abuse Sucks. And, there is no question that no parent or family member ever wants that to pass. Consequently, I am coming from a place of today, not what once was, happened, whatever. What matters to me is how to use that information form the past to inform the present so that I can move on to a healthier future. It is hard work, and add 20+ years of life with natural pains and aches and you get a whole lot of crying and reflecting.

For all those of you who have asked me where I am geographically...Two weeks ago I left Santiago, Chile and went back to Quito, Ecuador. I knew I needed to be there a bit more. As you have read, there was an amazing feeling of home there. My friends and the city itself provided a safe space when what I really wanted to do is go home to the arms of my mother. The night before I left Santiago I had a beautiful dinner with my friends Pepa, Pancha and Romina. And, I started to cry for so many things, so many relationships, so many moments in my life where I feel I have made wrong decision, hurt people I love, hurt myself, hurt. I cried for so long, and continued to cry on and off for the next 8 days in Quito. The good thing is that I happen to think that crying is a wonderful thing. I do believe it is the moment when our bodies can no longer hold emotion inside and the body just has to let it go. With that theory I cried with deep sadness and sorrow for a lot that passed those days, but also knowing that this was a path, a corridor that would eventually get me to the place I will someday arrive at.

Today I am back in Santiago, Chile. I am doing a lot of yoga, a lot, and I am taking good care of myself. I am cooking whenever I can, spending a lot of time with a group of amazing and healthy friends, doing a lot of music therapy, and writing a lot in a new diary. I am not out of the woods yet. Beyond the jungle that is our lives, I am not out of this experience. More is to pass, I can feel it.

Part of the challenge is that I am an intelligent, well-educated American who has been to a lot of therapy, done a lot of retreats and read too many books on self-care. This has translated into being in my head a lot. The Brazilian live-life-fully in me is having a hard time showing himself behind all of the theories of Freud, Jung, and too many Buddhas, Jesuses, and Jews. So, meditation is helping a lot. It takes me out of my head. This is important because the answers are not in my head, I know that too. The most simple way to put this with a few words is two lines from Alanis Morissette´s THANK YOU INDIA, which as you know, I have in this blog somewhere...

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

To me these lines are both powerful and tremendously scary. With all that I do in my life I still cannot say I have let go, but I do know that the last two weeks I got more than I could handle. I am still hesitant to jump off, and I hope someday soon to touch down. Will go bunjee jumping this weekend to practice letting go and trust. No worries, no intention of touching down in this case.

I also keep having these stupid MATRIX moments. Forgive the pop-culture reference for those of you who still read. The moment when Morpheus tells Neo that the Oracle did not tell him what would happen, she only told him what he needed to know, she showed him the door, and he had to walk through it. That is somehow combined with images of the PRICE IS RIGHT where I see all of you, my friends and loved ones screaming - DOOR #1!!!! No, DOOR #2!!!! Try #3!!! And I have to close my eyes and realize that everyone wants the best for me, that everyone is rooting for my happiness, but with your own lenses, lives, moments of pain, struggle and happiness. And I close my eyes really tight and I can´t hear anything. And I think of the Matrix again and all I can think about is that I wish I could look as good as Trinity did in her outfit, and I am back to square one. I did say it was a stupid moment, didn`t I?

And, finally, you may ask yourself why I would write all of this on an email to so many people. Your own answers are probably the right ones. For instance, I know I have scared some people in traveling, especially in Chile with my openess. And, I am probably deeply naive, but I believe this is life. Right here. This is where I find my self and how discover with which lens I will see the rest of the world around me. These moments of going inside, of understanding and feeling and being as truthfull as possible to and with myself are critical. When I break through them I find a truer more authentic way to connect with that which is inside other human beings in pain, and most importantly in joy, celebration, exctasy, jubilation, and in exhailing. It´s the moment I know that I grow deeper and more powerful, and the moment I can be the best Julio I can possibly find inside this personal Bermuda Triangle to show to you as a friend, lover or family member.

Cheers,

Julio, Jules, Juliano, Julinho

"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people." V.

www.brazilbean.net

PERU: Lima - Part I &II

2006-10-25T05:25:00.000-11:00

I think the last time you read I had left Quito. I went to Lima for a day and then to Cuzco to meet up with my dad to hike the Inca Trail, then back to Lima for a few days before I took off to Santiago, Chile, where I am right now. Ok, that´s the geography.

LIMA: The first night I went I stayed at my friend (through Carlo) Thierry´s place. He has an outstanding apartment overlooking the beachfront of Lima. Outstanding. My favorite part was that the walls facing the sea where all glass. Pictures later.

I spent my day being a tourist. The historical buildings in Lima, and the Baroque-Peruvian architecture was truly exquisite. Lima is foggy about 9 months out of the year...so imagine every day I spent there overcast. It was not cold, or hot. The weather was pleasant, but it was like being stuck in Baryshnikov´s (sp) WHITE NIGHTS.

Two moments to write home about.

-Pizarro´s statue was among the many sites a tourist should see. So, I took off to find it. The guide (not Lonely Planet) said it was in the middle of the Plaza de Armas, the main plaza in Lima. I started at the center for while and saw nothing. Later I learned that the statue had been placed Pizarro´s horse´s ass to the city´s main church so it had to be removed. I consulted Lonely PLanet and found out where it had gone. So, I followed the map, got there, and again...no Pizarro. At this point I could have said, forget it. He was a conquistador and what the heck am I doing looking for him all over the place, but the gay over achiever got the best of me, and I HAD TO FIND IT!!! So, I started asking around, and eventhough everyone knew where it was, nobody really did. After searching 2-3 more spots I finally found the damn thing. It was HUGE, UGLY and well a man on a horse. Lesson: when you cannot find a Spanish consquistador let it go. In the end all you will really find is a horse´s ass.

-Pepe. Pepe is a great friend of Andres (from Quito). Again, the amazing connections of this travel experience along with the outstanding hosting by everyone has been beautiful. I met Pepe at his job and immediately we were off. He wanted me to see Lima at night. It was different, the lighting, the energy. We drove around for a while and ended up at La Rosa Nautica, a beautiful sea restaurant. I say sea because it is literally in the sea. We sat in the bar and had Peru´s national drink (mostly. it is also chile´s drink and it is a big fight, but enough.) The pisco was grand, but the cool thing was that the bar shook a bit when the waves hit. It was very cool. Ok, a little sickening for those with weak stomachs, but tres cool for me. We then went to SCENAS, an outstanding restaurant where I ate A LOT OF GREAT FOOD!!! Pepe has
an advanced knowledge of Limeno restaurants and the gastronomical tour was fabulous. Beyond food and tourism was the best gift of all - PEPE. I know I have said this a lot this time around, but G-d, I just keep meeting these outstanding people. His heart is huge. He is smart, funny,
interesting, truly another gift of travel, living, and well, Andres. GRACIAS!!!

I will write about the return to Lima here...Cusco was in between and it needs its own entry.

I returned to Lima with my dad. He fell in love with Cusco, and the idea of being in a big city was less exciting, but Lima is interesting so it was worth it. I think. He may write later and he can give you his opintion. We spent our days being tourists and, well, eating. For me much of the experience was seeing my dad´s shocked face everytime I spoke about food. Like my mother in Thailand my dad spend most of his trip wondering how I could eat so much, why I talked so much about food, and well, where it all goes. So...

THE COOLEST THING ABOUT LIMA Part Deux was RAFAELLOs. Suggested by Thierry who came to dinner with us and Pepe, and Pepe´s partner Carlos Rafaello. Rafaellos proved to be some of the yummiest food I have eaten in Latin America. The service was outstanding, food quality tops, and wines very, very, very good. Although we should have had the first bottle again, instead of switching to the Merlot. Perhaps my favorite thing in the world to do is eat, drink wine and be with friends and family. I loved being able to exchange in English and Spanish, watching my dad enjoy himself with my new friends and eating great food. Note here, we started eating at 11pm, a time that seemed normal to all but my dad. Nonetheless, he was a champ drinking up the wine and eating a feast.

I ended my time in Lima by going dancing until 7am. Pretty dandy.

What it feels like for a girl...in Sud America

2006-10-25T05:18:00.000-11:00

South America has been hard for me. Because South America has been amazing. I cannot explain in words, in any language, what it feels like to be in the energy that is Latin America.

An attempt...my heart skips as I find more and more the missing pieces of 20 years in the States. The passion for life in this part of the world is excilirating. And it is not because there are people going around saying...I went to yoga, I found myself, I meditated, I whatever, and now I love life, and I live it hard. It is a passion by people who are screwed up just like everyone else, who smoke, drink and eat fatty foods derived from animals that were killed inhumanily (is there humanity in killing anything?). It is a passion for walking down the street hard, laughing really loud, and talking really fast, and listening to loud music. I love it. It´s like the whole world is finally at a speed and volume I understand. It is home.

Saying this is of course difficult because, well, you are all not here. It´s amazing to have lived in the States for the last 20 years and have built a life so full of joy and friends and love. And it is wild to bhere where I know three people - Romina, Pancha y Pepa - and yet feel so connected to everyone else, so at home. It´s weird and wonderful and complex. If I could only move you all here for a while...a couple of years or so.

I love the coffee here. I love the meat, and there is a lot of it. I LOVE THE WINE. My goal has been to taste two wines per day, and make sure it is not 2 bottles per day. So far I am doing well. I have a list of good wines which I will impart with you as soon as I am done with the research.

I know I am on vacation, not working, etc, etc, etc...but the energy I am talking about is beyond profession. It is a core energy, a feeling of arrival. It´s a sweet everything.

So, my heart wonders, my mind races, and my blood burns as I reflect on all of my life, the things that matter, the feeling of alignment, my love for my friends, family and Drew and all that moves my core in this land that it still America, but farther down. As Drew so beautifully suggested, I will continue to let the energies pulse through, be in my travels, be the bird that I see myself being. And more and more I feel like that damn song I hate (Nelly Furtado´s Swan Song - Like a Bird) and that right now "I don´t know where my soul is, and I don´t know where my home is."

"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people." V.

www.brazilbean.net

QUITO: A Final Entry, Really

2006-10-10T12:50:00.000-11:00

Special Note: I am actually in Peru with my father right now. We hiked the Inca Trail to Machu Pichu and are off to Lima for three days. I will write about this in the upcoming week.

I am not exactly sure what to say about Quito in the end of it all. To put it simply, I fell for it. After 1 year and a month on the road I have actually been to a city that I thought, "I could live here." It is odd. It is so San Francisco in so many ways. Its history, its earthquakes, its fog, its mountains and its quaintness (sp) really spoke to me. I saw this happening as the weeks went by and I learned the bus systems, the map of the city, and got a feel, a taste for the way things work. But, between deciding not to travel anywhere else in Ecuador, changing my ticket to stay longer, and missing it so much from Peru I know that it struck a cord that is really sweet inside of me. It was a magical place in which to learn Spanish, to live in for 6 weeks, and as many of you have read, the people I met were outstanding.

In the last couple of weeks I got a proper tour of Old Town from Carla whose knowledge and passion for Quito are invigorating. She also took me to dinner and the theater at Teatro Sucre, Quito´s exquisite performance space. I also ate out a lot with friends and cooked a little more. But, just moving around in the city, getting my haircut, my nails done, and talking to NGO made me happy.

Salome made my heart open up to Quito. Her yoga classes, along with Caridad, helped me relax into my experience, be present every step of the way, and offered an endlessly loving place. Yes, she kicked my ass in class and while others did the "easier" yoga, she demanded that I do more. But, with every push came and adjustment, a touch of care and knowledge of the practice. She has magical hands. This, plus the outings for dancing made life richer for me.

Dani made sure I got my daily dosage of caffeine and helped me practice my Spanish. She helped me become TOTALLY OBSESSED with SMS-text messaging, and it was outstanding to meet someone with an independent political perspective and a - do something - attitude.

Camilo´s hunger made me happy. I have cooked for many, and love it when people like my food. But, I have never been as certain as I was with Camilo when I cooked. He was honestly heartbroken when he heard I made something he did not eat, and his Gracias and adjectives after eating a meal I made were memorable. And, I also love that yes, he liked my food, but that, like me, he is a food whore...so in the end, I was good, but really, I could have been anyone else as long as I was cooking. LOLOL!

Andres, Roberto, Oliver and Tita (the cat) continued to make everything seem simple, and made me feel like I had been in their lives for years. Their home and their love for each other was and endless welcoming space.

As you know, my teachers continued to teach me even after I was done with school. Their commitment to their craft and their care for me came simply, without too many questions and no ifs and buts. This kind of care is rare.

And, of course, Carlo was really the glue of Quito for me. His own love for his city, openess to having me around, and friendship made me feel that everyday I was in a place where I was taken care of, loved and had amigos all around.

So, that´s Quito. There were many other people that made it outstanding Sadig, Max, Gustavo, Olga, and others. Thank you all. From the bottom of my heart.

"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people." V.

www.brazilbean.net

QUITO: Hasta La Vista Baby

2006-09-25T09:47:00.000-11:00

It´s a bit crazy, but I am basically on my way out of Quito. I have been here for five weeks, with this being my sixth. All in all this will be longest I will stay in any specific place in my travels. So, before I go I wanted to share some pictures, and of course, some stories.

Note: For those who are receiving an email from me for the first time, you can go to the blog http://brazilbean.blogspot.com and read prior emails from when I left for Phase II.

PHOTOS: http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=1i2bgirz.cr9jon9f&x=0&y=7bjuqs

Carlo: Still, my relationships with Carlo has been one of the best ragalos (presents) of this trip. Our relationship has been a riot of laugther, misunderstandings by others who assume we are a couple, and a continous mixing of roomate language that sounds more like a marriage than anything else. Let´s make sure to have some basic information out there. Carlo is straight, so much so I think he may have invented the concept. So, girls, rejoice! And, yes, he is still single, but hopefully not for long. Second, Drew is the only boyfriend I have and want. But, Carlo is like an Ecuadorian Drew in many ways. Statements like, "We should keep this water for cooking." have become commonplace. As Drew tells me, by "we" I mean "you." (At my house I coordinate food and Drew outings.) Carlo also loves everything I cook, like Drew. And, Carlo also has many things he simply does not eat, like Drew. Further, whenever I talk about my novio/boyfriend it has become commonplace for people to say "Drew or Carlo." With these very funny moments it has been an absolute pleasure to stay at Carlo´s. His kindness and care is beautiful and so damn authentic. It has also given me a chance to, well, ge to know the man behind the legend. Or, do I mean, the teenager behind the man? No matter, I have gotten to know him and share many of my values, wants and needs, hopes and dreams and continue to build a friendship with a truly outstanding person.

Quito: It is a beautiful city and if you have a chance to visit it, you must. I love the fact that it reminds me of SF in the way that it is small, but hip. Everything weekendy happens in about a 1 mile radius, but the places are fun, the people are welcoming, and the energy is kind and always friendly. Moreover, there is access to so much natural beauty everywhere. The mountains are ever present, the adventure travel opportunities infinite, and the air thin, but very healthy. (Ok, the city itself is a bit smoggy, but Carlo will soon be working on that. I´ve asked.) In addition, yesterday I learned quite a bit from CarlA. The city´s old town is filled with history, beautiful architecture, and rich pebble stone streets, and SF like hills. It is a little expensive since dolarization, but nothing compared to a day in LA or NYC. The weather is everything. Sun in the morning, hot, hot sun, clouds and sometimes rain in the afternoon, a beautiful sunset (amazingly, often without clouds) and cold nights. Finally, it is an outstanding place to learn Spanish.

Shaking My Bones: Prior to my departure from the States I kept saying I wanted to go out. For one reason or another it never really happened. When you have 3 months with your boyfriend going out with a bunch of sweaty men versus staying home cuddling up on a couch isn´t really a choice. Entonces (so) when I got here I immediately took too Quitos basic, but very fun dance clubs. I tried out 4 different ones and I have not regreted it. For instance, last weekend I danced from 11-3am at one and from 3-7am at the other. I walked home as the sun was rising, so, so, so happy that I had danced so much. Ok, so, yes, I am becoming a little known as the dancing queen, but alas, I am in a foreign land. So, in case you are looking for hip-hop, salsa, regaton, disco, madonna, whatever, Quito offers it. Come and join the Quitenos for a night out!

Andres and Roberto: Another outstanding connection was meeting friends of my DC based friend George Walker. I adore George and ours is a connection for a lifetime. So, when he said I should meet these boys, I said, "sure." The energy we share is so similar to the one George and I have that it is fascinating. They are outstanding people who have taken me in, taken me places, introduced me to new friends, shared their lives and stories with me, and let me cook in their kitchen. Wait a minute! I think the only reason Andres is my friend is because I cook for him. Hmmmm. I know Roberto actually likes me, but Andres, QUE SUCIO!!!! Seriously, these boys are golden and of the heart. AND, Drew, yes, these are the boys that have introduced me to Oliver the most fabulous dog ever! (well, after MacGruff that is.)

Dinners: First and foremost. Thank you mother for being such a great cook. AND, thank you Tricia for teaching me the way. I have had a chance to cook for groups several times while here. A couple of times I actually planned the dinner before hand, but many of times I was cooking for Carlo and me, until suddenly everyone showed up and I just had to keep adding food to the pan. This is something I miss A LOT about being in Latin America. I love people that just show up, I love the improptu dinners, the random madness of people that make an evening so golden. I also wanted to thank Nicole and Clarissa for sending me the GROSSI family recipe. The lasagna was oustanding. I did it in 2 days instead of 3, but it was a hit. And, thank you Carla for letting me cook with your India spices! Oh, oh, I have also had a chance to try the top 3 sushi restaurants in Quito. I say SAKE all the way. It was the yummiest!

La Lengua: School was a great experience. It was tough and I am still making lots of mistakes, but I am glad I did it. I feel I have a base to work from now, and I hope the next two months I can really practice while in Spanish speaking Latin America. As you may have guessed by now, the highlights there are Zayra and Ines; two teachers who made my time truly worthwhile. Zayra is especially memorably due to our Brazilian connections. We identified our number one problem as WE TALK TOO MUCH. Zayra also kicked my ass. Something that, from a teacher, I cannot ask for better. We covered the subjunctive in two days. After the first day I complained profusely (jokingly) and asked how many other students she did this too. She said as simply as she says everything else related to teaching and learning. "No one. The subjunctive takes two weeks to learn, but you are good enough and there is no good reason I can imagine you giving me that would convince me to go slower. Ok, now, how to use - Ojala!" And that was that. I left Friday with a booklet of homework to do this week. Note, I am not in school anymore. And, I am to meet here Wed. from 5-7 to correct all of my homework, and so that she can teach me a couple more things before I take off. She, of course, is doing this on her own time. Me gusta muchisimo! Oh, she also sent a message to Carlo today - STOP SPEAKING ENGLISH WITH JULIO!!!

Carla: A woman after my own heart. In genderization (word?) it is always comical to find someone who is just like you, but of the opposite sex. It´s like looking at yourself, but in a completely different light. Carla is outstanding (hmm, that series of sentences made me feel self-centered, oops). Seriously. She is amazing. She has taken on creating a school, is such an outstanding source of positive energy to her friends, and like many of us, seems to do an outstanding job loving her family while doing everything else. She does all of this while having a partner in Chile. Her constant demand for respect of others, kindness, and doing our damn best however we get there is inspirational, and through example, she has made me remember a lot of what I want to continue to be when I work again. Oh man, I have to work again? Ok, so maybe Carla fooled me. LOLOL!!!

Goodbye: This Friday Carlo and I are doing a going away party for me. There will be 20 people there. Some key folks I have met. We are doing a caipirinha party and I am cooking some sort of chicken for everyone, along with some potluck thing we are doing. I am sad to leave to tell you the truth, but that´s the part of traveling that one cannot go without. One has to leave one place to get to the new adventure. One has to travel to return home to the ones he loves. It´s the life energy of movement, and the wave I am riding right now. I go to Lima for 4 days on Saturday and then I meet my dad in Cuzco where we will start our Machu Pichu hike. It is going to be great! Wish us luck. JOIN US!!!

"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people." V.

www.brazilbean.net

Pictures: Cotopaxi y mas...

2006-09-11T10:33:00.000-11:00

This weekend we made it to Cotopaxi, the tallest volcano in the world. We made it pretty far up, and then we mountain biked over 20K down the monstrosity. Take a look at http://www.bikingdutchman.com/one.htm#cotopaxi for more on the details. It was outstanding. I think I almost cracked my head open a few times, but I ended up some place between the pedals and G-d, which means I made it in one piece. Ok, there were a couple of "planned falls" into sand mounds, but that was it. Will write more in a bit...I want to focus on putting up some photos today...

FIRE: View from Carlo-s terrace at sunset.

CARLO Y YO: In the midst of our downhill riding.

IN THE HEAVENS: Near the top of Cotopaxi. We were at the Refugio, 4800.

MONSTER: A beautiful and frightening view of this creation.

LA MALA EDUCACION: My two favorite teaches at school. They have taught me how to speak with respect, and made sure that I did not use "tirar fotos" but rather "tomar fotos." Tirar, well, means to do the deed in some way. They, and I, did not want to me to be asking the wrong thing from people on the street. Note that in Portuguese tirar does work for fotos, and tomar can work for, well, other things.

La Ciudad de Quito

2006-09-04T12:00:00.000-11:00

Amigos Y Amigas,

I simply cannot wait any longer to write about Quito. I will not be able to remember.

So here it goes.

CARLO: The best thing about Quito is Carlo. We were acquaintances in graduate school who knew each other through our mutual friend Jessica. And, between many, many, many cultural drinks at my house (read: caipirinhas and mojitos) I told him I was coming to travel in South America and he said I should come to Quito. That experience and his enormous heart has meant 6 weeks in Ecuador, language school, a great apartment with a great view, an outstanding instant set of friends, and a deeper connection with someone who is simply beautiful. We have had a great time between Spanish and English, a series of fun outings and a lot of heart to hearts at this house. I am really looking forward to the weeks to come. For those who always ask Mother, Drew, Mindy, Tricia, Nicole, etcI am being very well taken care of.

QUITO: Quito is a beautiful city. The mountains around it are outstanding, the people very open and kind, and there is green everywhere. The bus system is great, the traffic lights work (and most of the time people respect them), and I have yet to feel like someone is not being honest with me. The only down side is that it is basically chilly. It is the end of summer here and between the mountains, the valley and the Andes the nights are cold. But, all is well with my many blankets and heater. The days are actually very nice, mostly very sunny, and actually, thankfully somewhat not overly hot. You say, Julio does not want it REALLY HOT? What happened? Well, this is Ecuador, the middle of the world, the equator. The sun is both close and directly above us. A little bit in the sun can really burn. So, the tempered sun is actually betterand well, the skin is important when you are approaching 30.something.

LANGUAGE SCHOOL: In one word language school is HARD. The Portuguese is really getting in my way. I understand 95% of everything and that does make it easier, but trying to talk is another story. I get my words out, I am mostly understood, but I make A LOT OF MISTAKES. Some of the challenges are while Spanish and Portuguese are close in vocabulary the languages actually come from different roots. I am pretty sure everything comes from Latin (Spanish, French, etc) but Portuguese has a Celtic root thus making the actual structure of the languages different. (Anston, am I full of crap?)

There are three key areas I work on the most: 1) Patience and speed. I am totally impatient with myself and I dont seem to be able to talk slowlyin any language. My teacher keeps telling me I am too smart and I need to slow down and that I need to think more basically. She says I ask all the hard, exception in the language, questions. Maybe she is right, but this practical brain sayskudos to my intellect, but now I WANT TO TALK!!! 2) Direct and Indirect Complements. These are the lo, la, te, los, las, etc. They are totally referential (not sure if this is the right word). Let us say you start a conversation with I LOVE MY MOTHER AND I BOUGHT HER FLOWERS. That will probably be the last time you refer to your mother and the flowers as mother and flower. From now on it will all become LA and LAS and when they are used together SE. I am in LALALA land. It is a brain click thing and I hope the AHA moment happens soon. 3) Vocabulary. I have to learn more words, and I have to make sure to say the ones I know correctly. For instance, today I told my teacher I had 34 anos. Well, when spoken in Portuguese that means I have 34 years of age. But, in Spanish it means I have 34 anuses. Needles to say I know say I have almost 30 años.

LANGUAGE SCHOOL TEACHERS: My program is also a bit tough because it is all one on one. Each week I change teachers and work with that one person for 4 hours a day, 5 days a week. My first teacher was, let us say, interesting. He started the day by asking me a series of personal questions name, background, work, and relationship. Among my answers I told him I was gay and he said that was ok. I tried not to roll my eyes because he meant well. Then, he proceeded to correct me every time I said I had a novio (boyfriend). No, no, es noviA. Anyhoo. That was not the interesting part. He is the interesting part.

Later in the day I asked him the same series of questions. The answers. I am a teacher. I am a Hindu (He is not Indian and one cannot convert to being a Hindu). I am a vegetarian and I am celibate. Oh, and I do not shake hands. Now, I am a progressive thinker who has traveled to a lot of the world by now and I am all about respecting people, and I respected him all week. (Ok, this email is a tricky thing, but it is, after all, my Blog, and my experience.) So, here I am all open to my Hindu, Vegetarian, Celibate, No touch Teacher. Except, for the next 5 days many, many of his examples where about women, their bodies, sex, and he even asked me if I was interested in learning dirty words. (A request made by many travelers according to blogs I read prior to language school) All in all, a very odd experience. Very odd. I never thought he did not mean well, it was just wacked. Ok, so now the story does not seem so funny. I hope you enjoyed it. WAIT, THERE IS MORE.

This week I started with new teacher. Ines/Ynes. I love her already. Single mom, kick-ass, told me she was really homophobic growing up, taught her son to be homophobic and then had an amazing reality check when her son told her she had taught him to hate people. Together they worked on a lot of their issues and she is totally open and asks lots of questions and we talk and share. BUT, she received the evaluation Oscar did on me at the end of the week so she could continue my course of study. It read

Julio speaks English, Portuguese and has a good handle of Spanish. He understands almost everything. He is gay. He is working hard on direct and indirect complements I could not contain myself and asked Ines. Does the fact that I am gay give me some special language knowledge or affect my ability to learn, therefore making it into this report? We laughed hysterically for minutes.

AND, FINALLY, HOW AM I DOING: Well. It has been a little hard to get used to being away from home again. I miss Drewzie terribly. We put together a beautiful apartment in LA and then I took off. It has been hard to be away. He is intensely supportive of my goals and I try my best to support him in continuing his TV work from here. Of course, it has also been wonderful because we do seem to be so supportive even so far apart and that counts for a lot.

This is a very different trip. I am actually living in Quito. Six weeks is a long time with one outfit. Drew has sent me a package of my clothes that should arrive here this week, I bought new shoes (do not all be surprised at once now), and I go out dancing, have friends, and have days I am really energetic and days I just go home and read either The Color of Water or Del Amor y Otros Demonios by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I am also meeting with a guy who does anti-trafficking work tomorrow and I am working on other contacts. I made dinner for friends. A friend (Carla) and I are planning on cooking Indian food at the end of the week, and I go out to dinner. Yes, this all means I spend a lot more money. But it is now and will all work out on the finance thing.

I am happy to have a schedule. I feel like I am achieving something with language school. I am happy that I have plans for the future. I am not eager to have a job AT ALL, but I am ok that I will have to have one some day in the next year. I am doing yoga twice a week. I am continually working on just being ok with all that I am and all that the world brings to my attention. It is easier to be this way traveling. Real life is oddly incarcerating. I really did encage myself in 4 months in LA. I was so damn worried about getting a job, having a life goal, being something. Here I am active, but I do not feel the cloud of MUST BE in the air. It makes sense, I know, but it is actually happening inside, not just conceptually. I am hoping that this type of a trip, this way of traveling with schedules and things to achieve, will teach me more about how I can translate this into my future LA life.

Ok, CPS is kicking in. My arms hurt. Write and let me know how you are doing when you can.

Besos to all,

Hulito

"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people." V.

www.brazilbean.net

SOUTH AMERICA: Entry 01 - Where, When and Why...JOIN ME!!!

2006-08-31T12:25:00.000-11:00

OK, South America, here I am. In this entry I will simply let you know what I am doing, where I am going, and some info on how I prepared - tickets, etc. This way you can come join me!

The main thing for you to know is that Phase II is much more planned than Phase I. There are a couple of reasons for this. 1) Traveling in SA is costly contrary to popular belief, and airpasses require that you choose ALL of your dates before departure. 2) I had the live and let live experience I wanted in Phase I, and while I still have that today, I have somethings I want to get done. 3) I speak Portuguese and am learning Spanish so SA feels harder and at the same time a deeper experience.

And, in all places I am trying to meet with NGOs doing anti-human trafficking work so that I can continue to learn and continue to shed light to this issue. Trafficking in SA gets VERY LITTLE attention compared to Asia and Eastern Europe and I am hoping to participate in changing this fact.

OK!

Itinerary and Goals (BTW, goals can change in a split second)

QUITO, ECUADOR August 22 - September 30
-Spend time and build my friendship with Carlo, an outstanding guy from my graduate program in MA.
-Learn Spanish. I go to school 4 hours day for 4 weeks.
-Live a normal life as opposed to the busy bee I was in Asia. It has been great to spend time and build connections with Carlo´s great friends.

MACHU PICHU, PERU September 30 - October 13
-The most exciting part of this place is that MY DAD IS JOINING ME!!! I am so happy. MP has always been a dream of mine and to do it with my dad is going to be outstanding. We have signed up for a 4 day-3 night hiking tour.
-Other than MP I will spend a few days in Lima with Carlo´s friend Terry/Teeri/Teri and my dad and I are going to the Nazca Lines.

SANTIAGO, CHILE October 13 - November 11
-The main goal here is to spend time with the amazing Chilenas Tricia and I met in India. Romina and Pancha will be there and I just want to dance, laugh, talk and drink every damn Chilean wine I can get my hands on.
-I will also continue to practice my Spanish and do some Bikram yoga.

BUENOS AIRES, ARGENTINA November 11 - December 9
-Here I am going to visit Dario´s brother Christian. Dario is the husband of my best friend Ana from Brazil. I also hope to meet Salvador´s boyfriend and my friend Michael´s friends.
-I am going here so that I can get to know the world of Evita, the LA NYC and, well maybe buy a pair of shoes or two.
-I am also doing a side trip to Montivedeo, Uruguay and Paraguay from here.
-AND I am going to the Iguacu Falls, a place I have always wanted to go to.

EVERYWHERE, BRAZIL December 9 - February 26
-Ok, there is a lot to do here.
-See my family is South Brazil.
-See my best friend and her family in Rio and many great friends - Vania, Carmen, Dami, Angelo and others.
-Spend New Year´s in Rio, the best in the world
-Go to the Samba Schools´ show at Carnaval in Rio.

-Travel to Salvador and Recife in North Brazil and go to some of the best beaches in the world.
-Do a 4 day-3 night Amazon trip.

AND, AND, AND
-THIS IS WHERE DREW WILL COME VISIT ME!!!! YES, HE IS COMING TO BRAZIL! THE IDEA IS THAT HE IS COMING FOR NEW YEAR´S. I am so excited to show mi tierra, minha terra to my outstanding boyfriend.
-AND, this is where my friends Vicki, Anthony, Sarita and Eddie are also threatening to come join me or Drew and me.

PREPARATION:
The best source of information for Latin American travel is my best friend Ana who is AMAZINGLY SMART and, well, a travel agent! She has helped me with every bit of this. Ana is to me in Phase II what Mindy was in Phase I - confidant, decision maker when I am waffling, researcher and well, someone who tells me to stop with the insanity and just go.

IF YOU ARE DOING TRAVEL TO SA, and ESPECIALLY BRASIL let me know I will send you her email and info.

MONEY: I spent about $3000 in tickets. Yes, it hurt, but I am going everywhere and not spending another dime. The budget for this phase is $10K.

THAT´s it. Ask me more if you want to know more.

That´s it folks. Off to yoga class now. This weekend´s plans include mountain biking down one of the tallest volcanos in the world, horse riding, and dancing.

Besos to all, and remember. I am not doing this because I am rich, nor because I have some Genie in a bottle. I am doing this because I chose to. I spent 8K in 7 months in Asia. That is less money than I would have spent had I stayed home in a job. Just a thought.

Besos y mucho, mucho amor.

Hulio, yes after all my efforts, HULIO

"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people." V.

www.brazilbean.net

BEST PHOTOS of WORLD TRAVEL - PHASE I

2006-08-28T10:32:00.000-11:00

Dear Friends and Family,

Last week I started my 6 month travel in South America. Yet, before I start writing about this Phase II adventure in the Global South, I wanted to close up Phase I by sending you this link of photos of the BEST of WORLD TRAVEL PHASE I. I hope you enjoy them. It was hell to sift through nearly 10,000 photos. I am happy to say that the 145 photos here represent some of the sweetest and most beautiful moments of my journey. ENJOY!

http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=1i2bgirz.3ft4jbj3&x=0&y=5d58ad

I also wanted to thank all the amazing people - mother, the beautiful boyfriend, the outstanding Patricia, the Vickster, Sarita and Eddie, and the amazing folks I met along the way for being such fabulous world models.

Con mucho carino,

Julio

"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people." V.

www.brazilbean.net

END OF TRAVEL Phase I - "I've been to Nice and the Island of Greece, but I've never been to me." Charlene

2006-04-13T17:31:00.000-11:00

Dear Friends and Family,

I still have a few things to say about Europe, but as I end PHASE I of my travels I wanted to share some thoughts and reflections with you. I will be home this weekend.

With each day that passes I am more and more convinced that my travels were not about seeing the world. It is true that I have seen a lot, and that I am very happy to be learning about how others live in this evershrinking world. It is also true that I knew when I departed that this kind of travel forces a person to deal with many personal issues, but I did not realize the extent to which it does push one's every button. Now, at the end of Phase I where I have visited India, Vietnam, Cambodia, Thailand, Germany, Belgium and Italy, I can say that much of the trip has been about the world inside of me - a world so self-evident and yet so unknown at the same time.

Today, I still marvel at our ability as people to hide from ourselves, to protect ourselves from fully experiencing the pain our lives have brought us from time to time, and at the walls we build that keep us from totally expressing the joys of being alive. So often we use sex, drugs, food, aspects of religions, and many other personal practices to keep us from connecting to everything and everyone around us. Now, more than ever, I sit in awe of our fears of appearing naive in joy, or our hesitation to let our whole being grin because we are in a world that admires stress, struggle and watching each other roll in the ashes of the phoenix instead of celebrating its rising.

As I have written before from India, the last several years have been tough. Between a tough job and an even tougher relationship I managed to loose my intuition, that core compass inside of us that ensures we survive and continue to make smart choices in our lives. I knew when I left the States 6 months ago that if I could choose one thing to return home with, that it would be my reconstituted core, my ability to listen to myself, and more importantly, to trust myself. I also knew that this was a central reason Mindy so lovingly planned parts of my trip and told me to "get out of Dodge". This, a reconnection with my core, is, without a doubt, the number one gift I earned in this adventure I so courageously and beautifully embarked on. Today I feel more alive, more myself, than I have felt in many, many years.

Coming to understand in the mind and the heart that we are outstanding just as we are is not an easy task. I use to think that the goal was perfection, whatever that meant at any given moment, so I went to therapy, yoga, retreats and etc looking to reach the everreceeding light at the end of the tunnel. I realize now that the goal is actually to fully except myself and embrace my imperfections; what has proven to be a very, very tought practice. Life is problems, and how I work through them is what defines the quality of my experience in the world. To live is to constantly work to be better. I yearn to be more and more courageous and compassionate with each day that passes and use my energy and wisdom to make my world and this world a better place.

It's amazing how often the things we say in humor are the things that touch us so deeply when we sit and reflect. For so long I have used the term - There are no problems, only challenges and opportunities for success. Well, today I still agree with this mantra (which got me through planning many conferences), but I have modified it a little. It now says - There are lots and lots of problems, and each of them is a challenge we must diligently work through with the heart and the mind, and each of them is an opportunity for success.

My travels also allowed me the opportunity to reflect on how thankful I am for the things I have in life and to shift my paradigm on a few things. Below are only selected items from many, many life changing realities.

MOTHER: What can I say? She is the alpha and the omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end. If you are reading this you know that my mother is at the core of my life experiences. BUT, that is perhaps the biggest lesson of this travel. She is and she isnt.

My mother would never say this, but she is the kind of heroine whose shield is simply impentrable when it comes to her children. As the oldest son, I got to see her at her best and her worst, and in all of it she was tremendous and absolutely perfect. Yet, as these Freudean models often go I also managed to hide myself behind her power, to protect myself from the world, as any child would with such a strong warrior around.

For years now my mother has worked to honor me for my own achievements. When I spoke about her when I received an award completing high school, then recently in graduate school she told me that I had earned all my trophies and diplomas, not her. When I thanked her for modeling triumph in the face of so much opposition in dealing with machismo, migration and poverty and all the issues I have worked against in my professional life, she told me that I was the one who worked tirelessly to bring about social justice and it was my triumph that I needed to focus on. And, a month ago in Thailand, when I thanked her for all she did and told her that so much of this trip was a reflection of all she suffered in her life, she once again explained that I was right, it has not always been easy, but that it was not her struggle that allowed me to travel. Her struggle, she explained, allowed me opportunity when I was young. What I have done with that opportunity - graduations, good work, awards, life successes, and earning money and time to travel, these things were all my triumphs, not hers. And with these words my mother has continued to teach me, continued to let me go, and continued to model the fact that we are the heroes of our own stories. We are, after all, the ones we are waiting for.

So, to mother, the truest Wonder Woman - Thanks for, well, everything, and for continuing to teach me that being myself is really the best thing ever!

(Oh yes, lest you think I don't still get yelled at for taking too long a shower, or not coming home for enough days, or not calling home periodically, you are wrong. But, with that comes the yummiest Brazilian meals ever, too many kisses and hugs to count, and well, the bestest cup of coffee on earth that is always had sitting in her beautiful garden.)
Te amo tanto, tanto, tanto.

MY WORLD: I cannot explain how many people have said to me in my travels "you have so many great friends and family." It's always so wonderful to hear the things you are proud of in life reflected back to you from the mouths of strangers. It has been a constant reminder of how lucky I am to have my world - my amazing family, my outstanding boyfriend, my best friends Mindy and Ana and so many friends who play different roles in my life and offer me so much every day. The world can be a big and scary place some days, and so, so, so many people are lost in it. Yet, for me, as I traveled and faced challenges, as I met people whose love structures were damaged, I continued to feel like no matter what happened, no matter how challenging things got, that I had an amazing network of love always available to me. Tricia and Tonja, Anston, Aryella, Jess, Jason and Julie, Roger, Anthony, Sarita and Eddie, Vicky, Nicole and Clarissa, and others who make my life so rich. I want to thank each everyone for so much love. I so often feel like the luckiest person in the world.

BLAMING: I reminded myself that blaming people for the things that happen to me is really not very helpful. It is true that people need to be brought to justice, and everyday I am very thankful that Melissa exists to get that done. Still, there are people who don't break laws, but still hurt others. The power these people have is so often the power I have given them in my life. So, my work is to try to understand where they are coming from, see if I think they have any real point in their action toward me, send them some compassion, and move on with my life.

CODEPENDENCE: I have read the book Co-Dependent No More as many times as the next person, and the reality of life is that we all have a little bit of codependent in each of us. More often than not putting other people's needs ahead of ours is a sign of care, and, yes, sometimes it is a nice way to dodge dealing with our own shit. I realized traveling that many of my actions in life are based on the fact that I want to take care of other people. I want to make sure they are ok, that they have what they need. This desire ranges from those closest to me to those that struggle in this ever changing world of politics and famine. In a general sense I continue to work with foundations and others who wish to provide resources to create socio-economic change. Privately, I have reflected quite a bit on the fact that I need to trust people to take care of themselves. Offering my assistance can be a loving way to provide further support if it is needed, but ultimately, knowing that everyone knows their limits and needs is a way to ligthen the load I place upon my own shoulders and respect others in their efforts to best live their lives.

CHOICE: I will be brief since this is the number one topic I have written about my entire academic life and the reason I have worked tirelessly for justice.
Choice is the reason we are human. It's at the core of being alive. Why do we feel so stuck when the whole world is available to us? Why do we believe we have no choices? If we look back into our past each and everyone of us will realize that we are capable of amazing feats both personally and professionaly. We are here today. We know how to survive, and survive well at that! Do we really need any more proof that we can do anything, if only we choose to?

"Into the Woods to Find the Giant..."

BIG DECISIONS. BIG DECISIONS.

2006-04-05T06:52:00.000-11:00

Dear friends, family and loved ones,

BIG DECISIONS. BIG DECISIONS. It is time to put a halt to the travel. I have laughed, cried, and well, it has been much better than CATS, but I need to go home. I am not a nomad who has no connections. In fact, I am an amazingly lucky soul who has a gigantic number of family, friends and loved ones. Because of this I am going home a month earlier and will be arriving April 15, instead of May 15. I still intend to go to Latin America for 7 months starting in July.

Some important notes:

AFRICA: I also decided to skip Africa. I am not sure if I can fully explain why. I can say that it was the right decision. Since I made it, I have not looked back. Other than not seeing a couple of great friends (Anston's family) I really feel Africa will be there when I am good and ready.

ASIA EXTENDED: I had originally planned on going to Africa March 3. I am still in Thailand. The extension was the right decision. It allowed me to enjoy and outstanding two or so weeks with Reny (mother) and now I am having a great time with Nicole in Chang Mai, where she has just finished her massage school. The ability to make these changes has been one of the amazing gifts of this trip, and the importance of leaving ourselves open to the changes in life.

EUROPE AGAIN: Well, yes. I am passing by Germany and Rome on the way home. I read a lot about "re-emergence" when I left the States and apparently the process can be pretty brutal. You know, going from having total freedom and 2 outfits to the important KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES in Los Angeles can be a bit shocking. I had planned on my Capetown time as a 3 week transition into the Western world. With that out of the calendar, and invitations to return to Europe I decided it would be the perfect solution. i can return be in the Western world without actually understanding anything.

I leave Thailand the 21st on a plane with Nicole. We split up in Taipei. She goes to the States and I go to Frankfurt. I will be in Munich, Aachen and Berlin, as well as Rome for about 3 weeks and then back home on tax day.

WHY IS THIS ALL IMPORTANT?
Choice. It is what I wrote my college essay on. It is why I have done activist work for so many years. It is why life is so precious for us humans. We can choose to do or not do things. At first I felt guilt - OH, but I had an Africa plan? Oh, what will people think, those of you following my travels? Have I failed? Am I going home too early? Am I a true trekker? Final resolution. All bullshit. Beautiful. Human. And, manure. I took off to see what the world had to offer and to grow deeper into myself. What I found (among many things) is that the values I so cherish are what keep coming through me more and more. Therefore, I love and miss my people and I am going home to see them/you. I feel very, very happy with what I have done. If it were all to end today I would have done an amazing thing. I have an amazing peace of mind about where I am and my choices, and that, my friends, is worth everything.

PLANS? INTENTIONS?
So, again, my intentions are to be in the States 4/15 to 7/15. Then I will go to Latin America for 7 months. I love this idea and am looking forward to its realization. Could it change? Of course. And, again, that is the beauty of it all. So, I will stay tuned to my own life as it evolves, and if you wish, I invite you to do the same. That is, be in tune with the blog...but MORE IMPORTANTLY, MUCH MORE IMPORTANTLY...be in tune with your life and the amazing challenges it brings to you so that everyday you can discover and rediscover the amazing person that you are, the outstanding way with which you survive everyday.

FINAL NOTE: This is not the last entry for this phase of the trip. More to write on -- eating 19 chilli pepper and the morning after, dancing with ladyboys on a popular Thai stage, riding elephants, and drinking cappucinos in a Japanese bakery in Thailand.

"Into the Woods to Find the Giant..."
www.brazilbean.net

ROME: New Skill! Photo Upload.

2006-03-29T03:27:00.000-11:00

WOW. I have actually never done this. Uploading photo. This is a test. Neat!

This is St. Peter's Cathedral. This is the place where the Pope gives his address once a year. (Rome, Italy - March 2006)

NICOLE: FINAL ENTRY By Nicole Trombley

2006-03-24T00:41:00.000-11:00

Julio and I parted yesterday at the Taipei airport, me home to Southern
California and him off to Germany to transition out of Asia back to the
States. [The baker's wife and son (from our Japanese bakery, see previous
posts) were actually on our flight from Chiang Mai to Bangkok, off to
Japan to see her family for a month. First they were travelling in
Thailand to buy silk for her father's business; he makes traditional
Japanese Kimono.] And for the record, as I arrived in LA lastnight, it was
clear to me that LAX seemed much more of a third world country than
Thailand.

Food & belly:
Julio has already commented a lot on this. But we really did tour Chiang
Mai via our bellies..pastries, curries, stir-fries, all sorts of fried
things including these spinach pancakes served cut up with a spicey soy
sauce, mango and sticky rice, curry baked into a custard consistency in a
banana leaf over an open flame, various versions of drunken noodles, crazy
little coconut milk things, fried fish with chillies, spicey glass noodle
salads...lots of garlic, lots of chilli pepper...lots of rice. We ate
often and a lot and, as Julio mentioned, washed it all down with Thai
beer. The cooking course early on in our trip gave me a good sense of Thai
cuisine (beyond Pad Thai): the balances between spicey curries and more
cooling foods; the tartness and tang of kefir limes, lemongrass and
cilantro; the role of fish sauce. This gave us tools we didn't have (or I
didn't at least), so we could then navigate the food stands at the market
and gain a greater sense of what was exciting.

As Julio has documented, we both came to love spicey food and came to
learn that the spice enters and leaves your body with equal potency. I
felt very lucky to not get sick while I was there - we ate on the street
and everywhere, trying to be smart about water, eating only from vendors
that were cooking fresh or had a good turnover of food, cooking things
thouroughly. BUT here I am home in San Diego feeling a little "Bangkok
Belly". I didn't leave unscathed, but I really don't think I "ate
something bad" -- I mean Jules and I ate all the same food and he's not
sick. And other than a certain sensation in my lower GI, I don't feel sick
at all. But instead, I theorize that I traumatized my intestines, too
much food, too much chilli pepper, too much Chang Beer, too much coffee.
My belly is having its own version of repetetive stress syndrome.

In fact, I just looked in the Lonely Planet Thailand, and they comment
about eating on the street and food safety, - Surely you've heard the
rumors about what foood in Bangkok is sage to eat, right? Let's see, how
does it go: avoid ground meat, crushed ice, something borrowed, something
blue - not that's not quite it. Just to be on the safe side, take that
mental list and trash it. By and large, most street food is not only
hygenic but delicious. Granted, you'll get Bangkok belly, which is often
personal intolerance to chillies or Beer Chang, rather than a tainted
plate of fried food.

Oh yes, and confession: I only ate one bug. I took me about 3 minutes of
focussed breathing and "letting go" to actually put it in my mouth (with
some tough love "just do it" coaching from J.). And when you see the
pictures, the one with me with a bug in front of my mouth is fake - Julio
ate that one.

Thai Massage
My purpose/excuse for this trip was taking a Thai Massage course. Thai
Massage is an Asian healing art with connections to Buddhism and yoga. The
receiver is fully clothed, and the massage is received on a futon on the
floor. The giver applies various compressions and stretches to the
receiver, and then proceeds to stretch them through some yoga poses. It is
becoming increasingly popular in the West, most likely because of its
connection to yoga; in fact, often it is called Thai Yoga Massage. The
system is based on an understanding of energy lines in the body, the Sen
Sib, which massage aims to clear up and open. Though some of these lines
correspond to the meridians worked in chinese massage, acupuncture and
Shiatsu, the larger system is different. And while some parts of the Sen
Sib have sanskrit names, the system seems to have only been influenced
early on by Indian massage. There is a Northern Style, based in Chiang Mai
and a more Southern Style, based out of Wat Pho (a major temple that has
served as a massage "school") in Bangkok; Julio and I have pictures from
Wat Pho of sculptures demonstrating yoga and massage. In the late 80's and
early 90's a revival movement began to solidfy and document "what is thai
massage" -- systemizing it, and making it "safe, effective and polite."
They are movign toward standardizing all techniques. From what I
understand, this is not an innovative, intuitive massage, but rather a
formulaic series, so that not matter what practitioner you go to, you will
receive a similar massage. My teachers did not talk about this, but I am
sure that the sex tourist industry's connection to "massage" was a major
factor pushing massage professionals to get official government
rccognition. "Politeness" was also a big deal: there will be no climbing
over the receiver on the floor, your fingers can only point in certain
directions, and you don't want to accidently look like you are simulating
sex acts with the receiver: that would be very impolite.

I had taken a course here in San Diego 4 or 5 years ago, and always
fancied heading off to thailand to take a more "authentic" course. Julio's
travels were the perfect excuse. I was in class for 5 days, while other
students in the school were completing a 10 or 20 week program (most of
them had no other massage training and had to learn anatomy, etc.). I was
reminded several times why I would not want to be in an intensive program
like that for more than a week or two. This school was definitely more
geared toward westerners; it is even recognized as a continuing ed
provider by US massage accredidation organizations. While I was there the
school received word that it has just been given the "Royal Award" as the
most outstanding Thai Massage school in Thailand - and no suprise to most
of us, it's run by two Thai dykes!!!!

The other amazing thing about this school was that I was able to work in
an international context for the first time since becoming a massage
therapist. Granted, most of the students were from Western and English
speaking countries, except for two Japanese surfers, the teachers and the
curriculum were 100% Thai. In massage, we usually think very locally; I
greatly appreciated the sense of being part of an international community
of bodyworkers. AND my cohort was particularly fabulous.

Queer Thailand
We hung with several of my classmates throughout the lastweek - including
a trip to Simon's Cabaret - a Las Vegas calibar Thai caberet show,
featuring Ladyboys in full drag. From what I understand ladyboys are a
category that includes males who dress in drag to full transsexuals; it is
pretty common and rather well accepted. Most anthropological sources
categorize this as a "third sex" long accepted and present in Thai
culture. It certainly doesn't seem right to call them "gays" or
"transsexuals" -- from what we learned it seems the term encompasses a
wide spectrum that includes individuals in drag to those using surgery and
hormones. For more information, see:
http://dragoncastle.net/ladyboys.shtml , and if you haven't seen the film
"Iron Ladies", Clarissa and I saw it a few years ago at a film festival
and highly recommend it. The cabaret show was over the top, and of course,
you know it is "drag show" when JULIO is singled out from the audience,
smothered in lipstick and pulled up on stage to dance. Oh yes, we have
pictures.

"Farang"
In Thailand the term for foreigners and tourists (typically white
westerners) is "farang" -- I've heard a few stories of the origin of that
term. 1) Farang also means guava in thai. Some Thais told us that bccause
guava originally came from far away, it was appropriately used to label
foreign peoples as well. 2)Another source told me that "farang" is how the
Thai people pronounced "french" and it came to apply to all foreign
travellers. Regardless of the word origin, there are enough farang in
Thailand so that it becomes one of the first Thai words we learn - the
Thai businessmen on the train looking through the train car and pointing
at travellers, counting us, while commenting, "farang, farang, farang...";
or the little Thai boy eating dinner with his family who looks at me and
Julio and screams "farang! Farang!" really loudly despite his mother's
scolding. We soon learned to use the term ourselves, saying "no farang"
when a tuk-tuk driver tries to overcharge for a quick ride or when you are
ordering food and fearing you will get the bland version of the food they
serve to tourists. And, we soon turned it into a verb in our own
vernacular, commenting, "we've been faranged" when the cook puts NO chilli
peppers in your garlic pork rice dish or realize that you have been
overcharged at the market.

Trekking
Except for the first few days in Bangkok, we decided to spend our entire
trip in Chiang Mai - relax and see that city instead of being on an
exhausitn whirlwind tour. Our one excursion out of the city was on a
one-day trek. These "treks" are a huge part of the travel industry in
Chiang Mai - it seems every hotel, every street corner boasts their own
treks, and every traveller goes on at least one. Jules and I didn't do
extensive research (I was at school and he was busy looking pretty at the
pool reading his detective novels), so we used the time-honored tradition
of word-of-mouth. We took the advice of these documentary film making guys
in our cooking class. They loved their trek, loved the guide...that was
good enough for us! And it was a chance, and it was blah. Not that either
of us had high expectations, so it didn't not meet our expectations, but
we'd never do it again and wouldn't rec this tour to anybody else. We
went with three other people, a French-Spanish couple and fabulous Mr.
Wang from the UK. Here is the summary:

1)We rode elephants - in a big circle up a hill. It was really boring.
Though for a few minutes we could see the elephants' vulvas and were
really, really impressed --- though I guess if you need a vagina big
enough to birth a baby elephant.
2)We were led on a bamboo raft down a river. Not the exciting white river
rafting we had secretly anticipated. The most exciting part was when two
local kids who were swimming in the river thought it would be really fun
if they splashed us. They thoroughly soaked me - I was not happy - and if
I spoke a lick of Thai I would have given them the scolding of their
lifetimes. BUT...I got to frown and be sulky and wet.
3)We ate lunch at a restaurant along the street. The food was totally
farang. And the only other people who stopped by to lunch were other
farang in other buses/vans.
4)We went to visit a Hill Tribe village. The "Hill Tribes" in Northern
Thailand are semi-nomadic peoples; each tribe having its own language,
customs, mode of dress and spiritual beliefs. Our understanding is that
most do not belong to any one country (I think this means they lack
citizenship) and continually cross borders and cultures. The people we
visited had been in Thailand for about 20 years, having fled violence in
Burma. Our visit was the more interesting part of the trek, not because it
was exciting, but because of what came up within our little tour group.
Now let me premise this by saying that Julio took the opportunity to grill
the tour guide over lunch about the role of the Hill Tribe people in this
trek - did they receive any money from the tour? How do they benefit?
Despite his prior positive experience with an NGO-affiliated tour in South
Africa, we were assuming this was going to be a pretty exploitative
relationship. And it was. We arrived and "the village" was several
semi-open structures with hundreds of hand-woven scarves and such, and
women working at small looms producing new scarves. We arrived joining
several other groups. There was no intro, nothing. Just some totally
irrelevant info our tourguide told us about traditional dress women
sometimes wear. We took no pictures. And we bought some cool scarves. We
decided to buy the scarves because we wanted to participate directly in
their economy. The French couple did not buy anything and were a little
troubled, commenting, "we are having an ethical dilemma." They felt that
they were being made to feel guilty about others' poverty and they were
being manipulated into buying things. We talked with them for a bit, and
then with eachother. In the end, Julio and I seemed to agree that whatever
economic system these people had been participating in (our useless
tourguide hinted it was poppy (opium) cultivation; since wiped out by the
Thai government) was no longer available to them, and they were in the
middle of this tourism driven industry in Northern Thailand. Whether it is
right or wrong, exploitative or empowering, it is their reality - they
need to send their kids to school, they need to feed themselves. We chose
to go on this tour, to "see the Hill Tribe"; we chose to participate in
this economy. Buying the scarves was the less exploitative thing to do
given the choices we had already made.
5)We then hiked to a waterfall and went swimming. And watched some poor
lady fall really hard on wet slippery rocks.

"Into the Woods to Find the Giant..."
www.brazilbean.net

Light Up My Fire

2006-03-18T22:32:00.000-11:00

Thai Cuisine. What can I say? It's amazing. It has not surpassed my love for Italian food yet, but damn, does it come close. Nicole and I are mirroring Vicky's and my Vietnam trip. That means we are having a gastronomical tour of Thailand's Chang Mai cuisine. We eat everything around.

Our love for food is based on one central theory. STREET FOOD ROCKS! We have not eaten in a restaurant for about 10 days now. We walk around market looking for the best looking everything. We eat sweets, appetizers, main dishes, everything in site. We are currently committed to a young woman and her brother. They have food stand near where we are staying and we go there every night. We look at what she is making for other people, then order it for ourselves. In many cases we have had 3 meals between the two of us, just so we would try more things.

Of course, one cannot truly experience Thai cuisine without chillies. Both of our paletes have discovered a new world. It is called the world of HOT, HOT, HOT. It is amazing what chilli peppers can do to a dining experience. You bite into them and WWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO, you are immeditately transported into a whole other world of emotions, tastes, and you go to you edge and back. WOW. As you know from the previous email, we have discovered that with a cold Chang Beer, it is even more amazing. We love it.

Important note. Thai say that the power of chilli peppers is that it is experiences in three main ways: when you eat it, in your stomach, and yes, the next day. Everyday now we experience the ring of fire. Using the restroom the day after I had 19 chilli peppers was an enlightning experience. For several moments I was one with the world. It was like my own Buddha had appeared. Amazing.

So, off to eat more. We are going to the Sunday market and we have not eaten all day so that we could spend the next several hours trying out new things.

Cheers!

"Into the Woods to Find the Giant..."
www.brazilbean.net

Thailand: Girls, Girls, Girls (NOT!)

2006-03-16T18:53:00.000-11:00

I have not really written about sex work in Thailand. I think it is because it is so evident and so depresses me. I am almost finished with SEX SLAVES, an interesting book on the topic. It discusses facts about many different countries in Asia, including Thailand. Some of the areas it discusses include:

--Asian men frequent different places than foreigners, ofen higher end places to have sex with women. This activity is simply overlooked by wives who find themselves in cultural contexts that allow for this behavior by men. New diseases are entering Asian families this way.

--Families are now starting to consider daughters valuable since they can make money in the sex market. At at a young age (7-8) girls are already promised, for an advance fee, to brothels. When they turn 11 or so they are sent away to make money for the family. In a majority of cases the family is actually in need of basic food and shelter, but more and more with the influence of capitalist values families have started to send girls away in order to buy televisions, cars, and kitchen appliances. The need to keep up with the Asian-Joneses has become so huge that families are making decision based on a revised value system. Let's be clear, Asian women have historically not been given a lot of value compared to men. But, now the value they are given is actually to their ongoing detriment.

---Girls themselves are seeing sex work as an opportunity to make more money than working at stores, waitressing, etc. The need for a higher paying jobs may be due to family responsibilities, paying for schooling, or buying the latest gucci sunglasses. Unfortunately, while many of these girls end up being workers in the sex industry, (a choice i have complex views on, but ultimately i respect the woman's choice) many actually become enslaved thinking they were simply agreeing to do this work for a certain period of time.

---Westerners have changed needs. In the past American and European men were mainly interested in sex. They would go to a brothel, have sex, and be done. Today men are looking for the "experience of love." They are renting girls for days or weeks when they come on holiday. These women are expected to be with them 24-7 and provide companionship (as prescribed by the men) and sex on demand. Of course, taking the women out of the brothel often puts the women at risk of violence or sexual practices that are harmful to them. Still, the experience of having a girlfriend, even if men are paying for it, is coming up and more and more common.

At the same time that I read this I pass by bars and dance clubs with young girls overly made up sitting and waiting for the patrons to arrive every night. It's a awakening experience, and it is also a tough one. It is augmented by sightings of older men with really, really young girls at restaurants, bars, shopping malls, etc. I go to a hotel pool for a few hours every day and there are three such couples there. I try to think that may be they are a couple, may be it is ok. But, my intuition and my intelligence are too aware of the frequency with which the pressures for sex work for money (enslaved or not) have done to Thailand and other countries.

I am also saddened that I have tried to meet with a few NGOs here but have been totally unsuccessful. Between my moving schedule and the travel plans of key people whom I was in contact with for over a month it just did not work out. Still, I am trying to learn as I go.

So, that's the news today. Not so cheery, but I thought you should know.

"Into the Woods to Find the Giant..."
www.brazilbean.net

THAILAND: Chang, Chang, Chang Mai

2006-03-16T04:29:00.000-11:00

All is good here. Nicole is about to finish her massage school. I can report from experience that course is going well. Of course, they are on one gear and Nicole is on another very fast track. She will implement this into the larger tool box she has when she does massage therapy in San Diego.

OH BY THE WAY, in case you need an amazing massage when you are in San Diego next...www.equilibriomassage.com

Otherwise we spend our days apart. She in school and me, well, well, at the pool, reading the N.1 Ladies Detective Agency Series (book #4 now) and meditating in the morning and the afternoon. We meet at 4 pm and have a cappucino and amazing pastries by an outstanding Japanese baker. After we usually have an outing - the bazaar, the new market, the trendy market. There are about 8 markets a night here. We do markets for about 2 hours. This includes lots of walking, at which time we burn the calories earned at the bakery. At about 8pm-8:30pm we go to our favorite street vendor and have dinner. She is this amazing woman and (we think) her brother. She makes amazing everything. And, everything costs 50 cents. We love it. We often have our meal with a Chang Beer (named after the beloved JASON CHANG, of course). At about 9pm we check our email and then off to bed to rest for the next day.

Today was extra special. We ate bugs! Yup. I had what we think was worms and maggot looking things. Nicole had the worms. It tasted great. Kinda like shrimp. The maggot looking things were really, really meaty. The special sauce helped it all go down smoothly. We have photos, do not worry. Oh yes, burping bugs is not so fun.

Otherwise all is good. Thailand is getting hotter and hotter as summer will soon arrive. The days are stuffy and full of sun and humidity. This means nothing dries, including you. You get used to it though. In fact, you'd be amazed how wonderful a spicy soup tastes in this heat. It really does something to the body temperature. At first it is really, really hot, but then everything cools down. You should try it someday. Well, you should come to Thailand and try it someday.

Ok, that's all for now. Hugs to all and be swell!!!!

We are off on March 22nd. We are actually on the same plane out of here and Bangkok. So much fun!

Julio

"Into the Woods to Find the Giant..."
www.brazilbean.net

THAILAND: Mother Dearest, Continued...

2006-03-12T19:10:00.000-11:00

I just wanted to write a bit more about the time my mother spend in Thailand before moving on to the time with Nicole and my future plans. I also wanted to THANK HER FOR COMING!!!!!!!

The trip with Mother was really wonderful. Of course, the resorts, the nice hotels, the endless dinners were a wonderful change of pace from my less luxurious travel, but it was our time together that really made it memorable.

As everyone knows Hurricane Reny is a breath of fresh air in any environment, country, region, constellation. Like no other visitor I have had, or traveler I have met Mother took Thailand and ran with it. She immediately loved the amazing care and host nature of Thai people. She immediately told me that yes, she would wear more conservative tops, but that Thailand also needed to realize that she was Brazilian and that cultural exchanges come in every form. In her case, it came in beautiful tanned shoulders that were well moisturized every night. I am my mother's son and everything that is big about my personality, is bigger in hers. So, her love for the beauty of Thai women was not held back. She must have told 1,000 women that they were beautiful, stunning, that their skin shined. She thanked everyone profusely for their kindness. She learned to bow in respect, to say thank you in Thai. I turn, she was a guest to this country that honors its guests. It was wonderful to see, after so much of my own constirnation (sp), someone who was unabashedly herself and at the same time unafraid to make mistakes and connect. Again, she taught me about life, as she has for so long.

Mother also helped with another key aspect of Thailand. Its economy. My mother arrived with an empty suitcase and departed with two filled to the rim. She is a smart woman and knows when something is a good deal. Thailand, in the exchange market,is a great deal. This was also a great place to watch her. I, as many of you know, have always been the perpetual negotiator. Three months in India and 6 months in Asias has only honned my skills and my drive to get the best price for anything. Of course, the fact that I LOVE the exchange with the sellers, the ongoing game of who will win the best price, only fuels this activity. Mother is different. While she obviously does not want to be cheated she also thinks that getting a skirt for $3 istead of $1.50 is no big deal since the same skirt costs her usually $30. So, this was also a place for learning. She learned when she came to ask me for money. We would see an item that cost 600 baht. She would talk them down to 500B and then she would ask me for money. I would think, I could get that for 300B. So, i would give her 400B and tell her to work harder. I know, I am an awful son and person. In fact, Nicole simply said, "G-d, you are such a boy sometimes." But, my mom would undoubtedly get the item for 400B. Listen my theory is this. Capitalism being the law of the land, NO ONE WILL SELL AN ITEM AT A LOSS. So, with that in mind I play the game.

But, of course, in all there is a lesson. So, my mother reminded of all that I tell people in my work...that maybe the sellers don't ultimately make that much money, etc. etc. I mostly agreed. After 6 months of traveling my politics is less clear on the "theory of the whole: people are struggling" and the theory of the individual: this person is struggling." I stand firmly that no matter how poor, we all should be honest and unfortunately many of my experiences are that "these poor workers" are not always honest. This has strengthened my belief that we should give money to non-profits groups as the best strategy for change. STILL, I of course, opt to give people the benefit of the doubt, which is that I eased on my haggling techniques and have since my mother paid a bit more than I usually would for things.

Finally, it was outstanding to see my mother so happy, planning her next trip to Thailand. She hates it when I say this, but she is so much the reason I am doing this. Her struggles have made my freedom possible. My life, my success, and this time in my life is a clear reflection of her efforts to create the best life possible for me. She also reminds me that my own efforts and struggles have gotten me here. I am learning to agree, but Freudian Theories still work themselves out too evidently in my relationship with Mother.

Love to all, especially my mom.

"Into the Woods to Find the Giant..."
www.brazilbean.net

THAILAND: First Impression, Old Addiction (Guestwriter: Nicole Trombley)

2006-03-12T03:21:00.000-11:00

From Bangkok:

I arrived in Bangkok in the wee hours of the morning on International Women's Day. I got to see Reny with her outstanding tan and fully rested energy. We enjoyed a great breakfast and she was off...with her many, many bags.

It has been wonderfully hot and sticky, and Julio amd I have been taking our time wandering around, viewing temples and lots and lots of buddhas (reclining buddha, sporty buddha, flower buddha...), reading tarot cards and, of course, drinking coffee...at Starbucks. I have to confess, we've been there three times in 2 days. Yes, yes, I know, here we are in the Global South, equipped with all of our really deep, sharp political justice analyses, and unravelling and embracing all of our contradictions...in the end, some addictions run deep. And that is why capitalism is just so powerful. We actually had somebody take a picture of us holding up our Starbucks cups on Kao San Road in the middle of Bangkok madness. I hesitate writing this knowing that people in the world might misread us ...we are being ironic, we are owning our contradictions, being honest...not trying to be arrogant and smug Americans.

All my years in social justice work have seeded a deep guilt in me..."I shouldn't be at Starbucks at home, let alone in Bangkok. I should scorn all the arrogant Western tourists and seek out the authentic Thailand." But...whatever. I am at a place in my life where I don't have the emotional energy to take that on ... and frankly, it just feels even more false...I am white, I am afluent, I am American. The search for authenticity is just as politically suspect/complex as hiding out at Starbucks in Bangkok. Two good friends who have not talked in eons wanting to catch up over a cup of coffee. Punto.

We're off tonight to take an overnight train to Chiang Mai where we will trek around for a bit before I take my 5-day massage course, and then Julio moves on to the next leg of his journey and I head back to San Diego. In the meantime, Julio asked me to share a few thoughts from my perspective...And well around Julio, my perspective is far from his view at 6'0"...

Some observations from 4'11" off the ground (in solidarity with the tiny travellers who have come before me) -- these are of course all about me, and not about Thailand:

Many things about Starbucks are quite the same. The pastries look just as nasty here as they do in the States. But a few things are different. Most importantly, here at Starbucks in Bangkok, there is a fourth size here in: Short. Yes!!! Short/Tall/Grande ... and sometimes Venti. What is that all about? American supersize madness just wouldn't go over here? Maybe, but I wonder if really all this "tall" language is just over-rated for people so small. Size-ism is not the problem here that it is at home, and so maybe the smaller people's of the world can embrace a "short" drink and still be quite satisfied.

I was out walking alone my first morning here in Bangkok while Julio brought Reny (who looked fabulous -- touched by sun and glowing) to the airport. Walking past one tourist area, I was approached by a local who was trying to engage me. Warned by Julio and other friends, I knew he had spotted me as a new traveller and I was about to be preyed upon. I was NOT expectig his opening line: "Hi, Miss, you are so short, just like Thai people. Yes, we are smaller." And he proceeded to use his hands to measure how much taller the average western tourist is...and then proceeded to engage me in a dialogue that was word-for-word from the Lonley Planet's list of scams to watch out for...

A cab driver actually looked at me as I climbed in to the taxi (next to JULIO!) and moved the seat forward for me, claiming I had long legs and needed extra room. Sure he could have been flirting or being overly nice. I did not need the leg room, but I just really appreciated being seen as a fully grown adult, and not ignored as potentially Julio's 11 year old daughter.

From Chiang Mai:
It is still quite hot and sticky here, but now we have bugs too and less breeze. This is a great little city -- the energy is so different than Bangkok -- but we haven't seen anything yet. It's hot and we are feeling slow. There are white people and travellers everywhere and everything is geared toward tourists, but somehow it feels so different. We are still planning out what we are doing...we are soo sure that we don't want to be super tourists and see everything. We did however make a huge transition for us -- we opted to NOT go to Starbucks here in Chiang Mai and opted for a Thai-owned coffee. They served our coffee with tiny little biscuits and a shot glass size green tea to follow our coffee.

We also signed up for a Thai Cooking course: Making the Curry Pastes. Clarissa and Drew shall be happy about this. Julio may take another day of cooking while I do my massage course.

We also SCORED on a great place to stay. At $15 total we have a beautiful little guest house with AC and hot water (even if I cannot reach the shower and Julio has to set it for me) and a great feel to it. Next time you find yourself in Chang Mai, check out SMILE 2 a great place that is the sister of SMILE (not so great).

More later...

"Into the Woods to Find the Giant..."
www.brazilbean.net

THAILAND: Mother Dearest

2006-03-02T18:46:00.000-11:00

I returned from Germany on the 23rd at night, and 12 hours later mother arrived. Of course, after naerly 20 hours of travel she looked fabulous, alive, ready for Asia. Asia, a place she said she would never have come if it wasn't for my being here. Yet, she was like, "Let's go Asia!"

Her first 2-3 days she was both full of energy and crashing in the afternoon as her body got used to the new time zone. Perhaps the best moment which should give you a good sense of how things are was when I said:

JULIO: Reny, I was thinking we should go to these three sites. They are monuments and temples.
RENY: They look beautiful in the pictures. You said Bangkok was a great place to shop. Where do we do that?
JULIO: There is a weekend market with 9,000 stals. Today is Saturday, we leave tomorrow for Phuket.
RENY: When does Nicole arrive?
JULIO: In about 20 days.
RENY: Let's do this. You go to the sites with Nicole and shopping with me. How's that?

And, that was the last that was said about sites. We spent from 11am to 9pm in the shops. The day ended with the two of us getting foot massages.

Since then we went to Phuket. Specifically, we were at Patong Beach, an areas severely affected by the Tsunami. Things seems to be getting back to normal. Shop owners say that they still feel the economic effects both of tourists who are no longer coming to the region, and the fact that those who are coming are not buying as much stuff. Part of what has happened is that it has become cheaper to come here and folks with less money are traveling, and their budgets are focuses on hotel and food, not extras.

Phuket was nice, crowded, but nice. We spent most of our days walking around the shops and sitting at the pool at our hotel. The hotel was a mid-range place that provided all that we needed and was away enough from the night crowds for a good night's sleep. Reny loved it all and the daily massages we got made the experience that much better.

From Phuket we took off to Phi Phi Island, which is where we are now. We decided to go to the Phi Phi Island Resort. The resort is absolutely glorious with its private beach. It has beautiful hut/cabanas, fabulous grounds and lovely food. The beach, the pool and the great service provide for an outstanding experience. Check out www.ppisland.com

Will need to write faster. My mother just came back from a hike with a new friend, Sarah, and announced "WE FOUND PARADISE." A deserted beach nearby. I will leave momentarily to have lunch with them in Paradise.

Ok, ok, main thing to know. Parents are like everyone else. They are children. My mother's eyes when the boat came around the corner to PP Resort lit up. "Is this where we are going?" She was amazed at the color of the water, the blue sky, the ower of the sun. The first night we had seafood dinner on the beach. She said, "This is the most beautiful place I have ever been to. Thank you. I just wish Jeff and the boys and Carla were here too."

For the last 4 days I have my mother in a course: JULIO'S DO NOTHING COURSE. Whenever she says things like "do you thing they will mind if I clean the beach?" Or, let's go discover the island. Or, I am going to clean the room. I tell her, NO, SIT DOWN. DO SOMETHING MUCH MORE CHALLENGING. "What?" NOTHING. SIT HERE AND LOOK AT THE BLUE OCEAN. DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. It's been good. But then she found a friend and now we are off to Paradise...

Nothing is good, but paradise is nice too...

"Into the Woods to Find the Giant..."
www.brazilbean.net

Germany: Munich

2006-02-26T01:12:00.000-11:00

My time in Germany was eventful. After a few immediate plans changes I ended up spending most of my time in Munich where it was both cold and nice. Being in the "West" was wonderfully familiar. I loved that my friend Christian had a toaster, a hot shower, and a sofa. It was no surprise to me that I fell very sick within a day or so of my arrival. Seeing all that is familiar my body simply decided to unload the fatigue of 5 months of travel. I spent a few days moving very, very slowly and waking up in the middle of the night to change my clothes and bed sheets because I had night sweats that made me shiver. Christian was great and took care of me with tea, bread, juices and his clothes since I had only summer wear and all of that was sweated on after the second night.

The sick time allowed me some time to watch DVDs, listen to music and simply enjoy the wonderfulness of home - the warmth, the smells, the love and energy we all give to the places we create. Christian has a great apartment. As an opera director and set designer his sense of style is totally unique, minimalist, and in his case, with a great deal of budhist influence. He chants every day is a yoga devotee and someone who believes in following the energy that rushes through us all. This made for great conversations and also introduced me to some new outstanding ways to meditate, to chant and to enjoy life's energies.

He introduced me to his chanting group in Munich, a set of fabulous people who welcomed me into their home. Specifically, there was a couple that had spent a lot of time in Brazil, and this allowed for a great flow of conversation and cultural exchanges. Did you know that German's touch others at an average of 20 times per hour, while a Brazilian touches others at an average of 300? Interesting, no? HeHe.

As I recuperated we decided to go to a bath. Baths are popular in Munich. They were around before the war and continue to be a place where people gather to socialize, do sauna, and after eat food and drink beer. We stayed there for 6 hours and it was great. I think the most amusing thing was that women and men sauned together, and all naked. I was pretty impressed with the body liberation. And, in case you were wondering, this is not a gay sauna. In fact, "the gentleman behaved badly" is the buzz Christian told me was going around for why there were no longer male-only days. Ah, the gays!

My last day there we went to Dachau (http://www.ushmm.org/wlc/article.php?lang=en&ModuleId=10005214) the first and the model concentration camp for Nazi Germany. What can I say? It was horrible, awful, disgusting and another show of how humans can be animalistic. It was especially hard to be there after having been to the War Remembrance Museum in Vietnam and the Khmer Rouge Museum in Cambodia. It's amazing the horror human kind can create. We have so much potential to love and create, yet so much destruction occurs. Of course, this reality was made even more evident as we arrived back at Christian's metro stop and saw on the cover of TIME: GERMANY - AMERICA's SHAME with pictures of Abu Ghraib. And the madness continues. Are we participating if we are not in the streets about this? Christian and I spoke a lot about the national psyche of Germany and the post-Nazi world. Is there a national psyche of America? I don't know on most days.

Finally, Germany was also great because it allowed me another amazing friend in the world of travel. I have met so many people in my time out of the States. So many people have touched my heart in so many ways and have made me so happy. People I know I will know forever and whose life energy really affected mine. Atimati, Romina, Magda, Pancha and now Christian have all been amazing presents in my journey. I want to thank them all, and in this case, thank Christian from the bottom of my heart for all that he did for me while I was there.

Julio

"Into the Woods to Find the Giant..."
www.brazilbean.net