First Impressions: Huge hearts, G-d's Children, and the Monkey Shit Scam

September 28
Delhi, India

FROM THE AIRPORT
The trip from the airport to Uncle's was reminiscent (sp) of Brazil. Apparently red lights mean GO in India, the highway felt more like off-roading, and the poverty was clear - even at 2am. The #1 coolest Third World Moment (TWM) was the traffic cop (they are in every 5-6 corners) who was sleeping white sitting beside a half finished bottle of booze. Classic, simply classic. But, the air (while a bit stinky) was warm, humid, and a bit suffocating - I loved it.

HUGE HEARTS!
The day started early. After 4 hours of sleep I was up to have a couple of cups of chai and cookies with Uncle Arun and Aunt Sipra. It was actually a great coffee substitute. I reckon the sugar (2 spoons) is what makes it exciting to me. After tea Uncle and I talked about my travel plans and he announced that we would be going to see a childhood friend who has travelled all of India and would "take care of everything." Auntie made me a yummy omellete (with chilli peppers) and I was ready to go.

We left for Dr. Chattarjee's office in Uncle's car. In the 5 minutes we were in the vehicle I realized that a foreigner should never get behind the wheel in India. The highlight of the trip was Uncle going the opposite way on a one way road (for a little while) to get to our destination. When I questioned his method, he simply stated he has "driving in India for over 20 years."

Together, uncle and the Dr. were a riot and reminded me of my grandfather in Brazil. They told jokes, and while I did not understand what they were saying, I could feel the comradrie between them. While at the office the power went out (first of two times during today), an event that phased absolutely no one in the 5 person office. Basically, the only comment made about it to me was "sorry the chai took a bit longer." Of course, we had chai. It's 7pm write now and I have had 7 cups of chai already today.

The good Dr. did exactly as Uncle said. He said I needed to go to X, Y and Z, and the conversation ended with. "Julio will leave to Chardham tomorrow, do his 11 day tour, then he will go to Rishikesh, to Manali and Kullu for the Dusshera festival (of colors and G-ds). He will be back to Delhi and then go to Jahnsi, Khajurao, Varanasi and then back to Delhi, and we will take care of the planning for this latter part while he is on his tour. Then, on November 1st we will talk about the rest of India." WHO NEEDS LONELY PLANET? I have been assured I will have a lot of room to improvise and have my "experience" in the midst of this planning. I mostly agree.

On the home front the heart is held by Aunt Sipra who has been feeding me everything - curry chicken, curry fish, fried fish (because Uncle insisted I eat indian fried fish after he heard I liked it), beans, rice, nan, dal and several other items I am told are good for me. At lunch I practiced eating with my right hand, which proved a difficult task. I really wanted to suck my fingers, stop dripping, and to be able to drink water without getting everything dirty. It was hard and since I needed to hurry (Uncle and I were leaving) I gave in since I had to finish three plates of food. I am beginning to think Aunt Sipra is part of some movement to fatten people up. I just had dinner and since I ate own my own I had the whole meal with my hand. It was still messy, I burned my fingers a little, but overall I did well. Aunt Sipra's Bengali food is awesome.

G-Ds CHILDREN:
I now understand why Indians have so many deities. It's because of the traffic. Anyone who has to drive in this country has to pray for more than the Parking G-ddess because its a Three-Wheel-Motorbike (TWM) eat TWM world out there. First, it's all very loud, very, very loud. (Reny, you would HATE IT!) Second, it's all very fast, very, very fast. (Chris, you would love it!) Third, it's all very smogy, very, very smogy.

After taking three TWMs I decided that one has two choices - freak out or let go. Guess which one I chose? I am totally zen. I become one with the driver and simply allow my body to beautifully jerk from side to side, holding only to my day pack. It's like a really great ride at Six Flags, only no seat belt or bumpers. When I feel the wheel of a passing truck 2 inches from my leg, or I see 50 cars coming toward the TWM I'm on I just imagine I am on a movie set and that this is the final stunt that I, the main character, will survive. It's actually all pretty amazing. I figure one thing. The driver also wants to stay alive, and that is a great incentive for him not to kill me.

MONKEY SHIT SCAM
So, I already got scammed. But, I think I handled it well. As expected I must have been approached by about 150 people in the 3 hours I was in downtown Delhi today. They ranged for the poor children (all beautifully dirty, of course) to the man who wanted to sell me a curling brush (which he promplty used to brush my arm when I rolled my eyes at him and pointed at my head). Among these, three men stand out. I will call them the Avid Students of English (ASE). Each had the same rap.

ASE 01: Annoying
ASE: Hello Sir.
Me: Hello.
ASE: Would you like to buy post cards, a tour, etc.
Me: No.
ASE: Where are you from sir?
Me: Brazil. (At this point I give them my first, loving - get out of my face look.)
ASE: How long are you in Delhi sir?
Me: I leave tomorrow in the morning.
ASE: So soon.
Me: So, I don't want to buy anything, thanks, good-bye. (I walk quickly ahead.)
ASE (follows me): Sir, I am not wanting to sell you anything, just practice my English.

This went on for about 2-3 minutes at which point I really ditched him.

ASE 02: Useful
ASE: Hello Sir.
Me: Hello.
ASE: Would you like to buy post cards, a tour, etc.
Me: No.
ASE: Where are you from sir?
Me: Brazil. (At this point I give them my first, loving - get out of my face look.)
ASE: How long are you in Delhi sir?
Me: I leave tomorrow in the morning.
ASE: So soon.
Me: So, I don't want to buy anything, thanks, good-bye. (I walk quickly ahead.)
ASE (follows me): Sir, I am not wanting to sell you anything, just practice my English.
Me: Oh, gosh, your must be in the same class as the guy from 5 minutes ago?
ASE: What sir?
Me: Look, you want to walk with me, fine. Want to talk to me and really practice your English, fine. Want to sell me something. I don't need it, so kindly leave.

This one hangs out for a few more minutes, helps me find a couple of places I was looking for, and as he says good bye he says - "sure you don't want any cards?"

ASE 03: Scammer
ASE: Hello Sir.
Me: Hello.
ASE: Would you like to buy post cards, a tour, etc.
Me: No.
ASE: Where are you from sir?
Me: Brazil. (At this point I give them my first, loving - get out of my face look.)
ASE: How long are you in Delhi sir?
Me: I leave tomorrow in the morning.
ASE: So soon.
Me: So, I don't want to buy anything, thanks, good-bye. (I walk quickly ahead.)
ASE (follows me): Sir, I am not wanting to sell you anything, just practice my English.
Me: No thanks. (And I walk away)
ASE: Sir, a monkey shit on your shoe. (Sure enough, there was pile of shit on my left shoe, which, for someone who was wearing sandals, was no fun.)
Me: Shit!
ASE leaves.

Lo' and Behold...the skies open...and A SHOE SHINE is immediatelly at my feet taking off my sandal cleaning my foot and my sandal. Not surprisingly ASE 03 comes back and talks to shoe shine boy in (I think) Hindi. Shoe shine boy finished doing a horrible job after I yell at him NOT to actually shine my sandal, just clean it. I put my sandal back on and he says, R$500 sir. I say, no way. He says, I cleaned your shoe. I say, I did not ask you to. ASE 03 now comes into the conversation. We (well, We!) will make it R$350 for you sir. I say No and this goes on for about 5 seconds when I decide what this is worth for me. There were 2 of them, one of me, and I am in a place I don't know, blah. blah. It was worth 25 cents. I say, OK, fine, I will pay you. Their eyes brigthen. I rummage through my pocket. They both look at each other. I take out R$10 (a quarter), hand it to the shoe shine and tell him to get out of my face, and I leave, still shat upon by the way.

So there it is. Am I better for it? Not sure. I was quite unhappy about the whole ordeal and tried not to loose faith. I was oddly comforted with the fact that both in Brazil, as well as major U.S. cities, tourists and scams go hand in hand.

TOP 10 THINGS I LEARNED AFTER DAY 1:

10. Poverty stinks everywhere.
9. Major cities are basically about buying crap.
8. Garage sales do not work in the Third World. Street vendors are a national garage sale.
7. Ethnic mothers belong to "International Fatten Them Up Association"
6. Cars are city-level WMDs.
5. Indian women are beautiful, Indian men need to pull their pants down.
4. I need to accept that I am a fish out of water - everywhere.
3. In one day I saw 2 dogs and 12 monkeys on the street. I am definitely in a foreign land.
2. India is Brazil, only in a different place and with a different language.
1. Like the Cylones from Battle Star Galactica I have evolved, and while there is only one copy of me, I speak many languages.

ASE
ASE: Hello Sir.
Me: No response.
ASE: Hello Sir.
Me. No response.
ASE: Would you like to buy post cards, a tour, etc.
Me: (Loudly) O que? Eu nao falo ingles.
ASE: Where are you from sir?
Me: Me: (Loudly) O que? Eu nao falo ingles.
ASE: Walks away and leaves me alone.

It worked 3 times!

BOA NOITE.

Julinho

"Into the Woods to Find the Giant..."
www.brazilbean.net