END OF TRAVEL Phase I - "I've been to Nice and the Island of Greece, but I've never been to me." Charlene

Dear Friends and Family,

I still have a few things to say about Europe, but as I end PHASE I of my travels I wanted to share some thoughts and reflections with you. I will be home this weekend.

With each day that passes I am more and more convinced that my travels were not about seeing the world. It is true that I have seen a lot, and that I am very happy to be learning about how others live in this evershrinking world. It is also true that I knew when I departed that this kind of travel forces a person to deal with many personal issues, but I did not realize the extent to which it does push one's every button. Now, at the end of Phase I where I have visited India, Vietnam, Cambodia, Thailand, Germany, Belgium and Italy, I can say that much of the trip has been about the world inside of me - a world so self-evident and yet so unknown at the same time.

Today, I still marvel at our ability as people to hide from ourselves, to protect ourselves from fully experiencing the pain our lives have brought us from time to time, and at the walls we build that keep us from totally expressing the joys of being alive. So often we use sex, drugs, food, aspects of religions, and many other personal practices to keep us from connecting to everything and everyone around us. Now, more than ever, I sit in awe of our fears of appearing naive in joy, or our hesitation to let our whole being grin because we are in a world that admires stress, struggle and watching each other roll in the ashes of the phoenix instead of celebrating its rising.

As I have written before from India, the last several years have been tough. Between a tough job and an even tougher relationship I managed to loose my intuition, that core compass inside of us that ensures we survive and continue to make smart choices in our lives. I knew when I left the States 6 months ago that if I could choose one thing to return home with, that it would be my reconstituted core, my ability to listen to myself, and more importantly, to trust myself. I also knew that this was a central reason Mindy so lovingly planned parts of my trip and told me to "get out of Dodge". This, a reconnection with my core, is, without a doubt, the number one gift I earned in this adventure I so courageously and beautifully embarked on. Today I feel more alive, more myself, than I have felt in many, many years.

Coming to understand in the mind and the heart that we are outstanding just as we are is not an easy task. I use to think that the goal was perfection, whatever that meant at any given moment, so I went to therapy, yoga, retreats and etc looking to reach the everreceeding light at the end of the tunnel. I realize now that the goal is actually to fully except myself and embrace my imperfections; what has proven to be a very, very tought practice. Life is problems, and how I work through them is what defines the quality of my experience in the world. To live is to constantly work to be better. I yearn to be more and more courageous and compassionate with each day that passes and use my energy and wisdom to make my world and this world a better place.

It's amazing how often the things we say in humor are the things that touch us so deeply when we sit and reflect. For so long I have used the term - There are no problems, only challenges and opportunities for success. Well, today I still agree with this mantra (which got me through planning many conferences), but I have modified it a little. It now says - There are lots and lots of problems, and each of them is a challenge we must diligently work through with the heart and the mind, and each of them is an opportunity for success.

My travels also allowed me the opportunity to reflect on how thankful I am for the things I have in life and to shift my paradigm on a few things. Below are only selected items from many, many life changing realities.

MOTHER: What can I say? She is the alpha and the omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end. If you are reading this you know that my mother is at the core of my life experiences. BUT, that is perhaps the biggest lesson of this travel. She is and she isn’t.

My mother would never say this, but she is the kind of heroine whose shield is simply impentrable when it comes to her children. As the oldest son, I got to see her at her best and her worst, and in all of it she was tremendous and absolutely perfect. Yet, as these Freudean models often go I also managed to hide myself behind her power, to protect myself from the world, as any child would with such a strong warrior around.

For years now my mother has worked to honor me for my own achievements. When I spoke about her when I received an award completing high school, then recently in graduate school she told me that I had earned all my trophies and diplomas, not her. When I thanked her for modeling triumph in the face of so much opposition in dealing with machismo, migration and poverty and all the issues I have worked against in my professional life, she told me that I was the one who worked tirelessly to bring about social justice and it was my triumph that I needed to focus on. And, a month ago in Thailand, when I thanked her for all she did and told her that so much of this trip was a reflection of all she suffered in her life, she once again explained that I was right, it has not always been easy, but that it was not her struggle that allowed me to travel. Her struggle, she explained, allowed me opportunity when I was young. What I have done with that opportunity - graduations, good work, awards, life successes, and earning money and time to travel, these things were all my triumphs, not hers. And with these words my mother has continued to teach me, continued to let me go, and continued to model the fact that we are the heroes of our own stories. We are, after all, the ones we are waiting for.

So, to mother, the truest Wonder Woman - Thanks for, well, everything, and for continuing to teach me that being myself is really the best thing ever!

(Oh yes, lest you think I don't still get yelled at for taking too long a shower, or not coming home for enough days, or not calling home periodically, you are wrong. But, with that comes the yummiest Brazilian meals ever, too many kisses and hugs to count, and well, the bestest cup of coffee on earth that is always had sitting in her beautiful garden.)
Te amo tanto, tanto, tanto.

MY WORLD: I cannot explain how many people have said to me in my travels "you have so many great friends and family." It's always so wonderful to hear the things you are proud of in life reflected back to you from the mouths of strangers. It has been a constant reminder of how lucky I am to have my world - my amazing family, my outstanding boyfriend, my best friends Mindy and Ana and so many friends who play different roles in my life and offer me so much every day. The world can be a big and scary place some days, and so, so, so many people are lost in it. Yet, for me, as I traveled and faced challenges, as I met people whose love structures were damaged, I continued to feel like no matter what happened, no matter how challenging things got, that I had an amazing network of love always available to me. Tricia and Tonja, Anston, Aryella, Jess, Jason and Julie, Roger, Anthony, Sarita and Eddie, Vicky, Nicole and Clarissa, and others who make my life so rich. I want to thank each everyone for so much love. I so often feel like the luckiest person in the world.

BLAMING: I reminded myself that blaming people for the things that happen to me is really not very helpful. It is true that people need to be brought to justice, and everyday I am very thankful that Melissa exists to get that done. Still, there are people who don't break laws, but still hurt others. The power these people have is so often the power I have given them in my life. So, my work is to try to understand where they are coming from, see if I think they have any real point in their action toward me, send them some compassion, and move on with my life.

CODEPENDENCE: I have read the book Co-Dependent No More as many times as the next person, and the reality of life is that we all have a little bit of codependent in each of us. More often than not putting other people's needs ahead of ours is a sign of care, and, yes, sometimes it is a nice way to dodge dealing with our own shit. I realized traveling that many of my actions in life are based on the fact that I want to take care of other people. I want to make sure they are ok, that they have what they need. This desire ranges from those closest to me to those that struggle in this ever changing world of politics and famine. In a general sense I continue to work with foundations and others who wish to provide resources to create socio-economic change. Privately, I have reflected quite a bit on the fact that I need to trust people to take care of themselves. Offering my assistance can be a loving way to provide further support if it is needed, but ultimately, knowing that everyone knows their limits and needs is a way to ligthen the load I place upon my own shoulders and respect others in their efforts to best live their lives.

CHOICE: I will be brief since this is the number one topic I have written about my entire academic life and the reason I have worked tirelessly for justice.
Choice is the reason we are human. It's at the core of being alive. Why do we feel so stuck when the whole world is available to us? Why do we believe we have no choices? If we look back into our past each and everyone of us will realize that we are capable of amazing feats both personally and professionaly. We are here today. We know how to survive, and survive well at that! Do we really need any more proof that we can do anything, if only we choose to?

"Into the Woods to Find the Giant..."