Hitting a Wall (Not literally, but that's possible too)

It is my last day in Vietnam and I have given you, the people of the world, nothing. I am so sorry I have not written more about this beautiful communist country, its amazing food, and how I actually have learned to love a piece of colonialism. I am an honest person and I cannot lie. Without the French my morning baguettes with outstanding Vietnamese coffee would not be the same, and how I love the baguettes. Don't judge me for this, if you can.

I wanted to write about Vietnam, but instead the fact that I have hit a wall in this "wwwoooorrrrrddllly experience" seems more relevant, more real, more at the core of how I am experiencing everything.

I am tired. I miss my mom and dad and my little brothers and my aunt. I miss Drewzie. I miss Tricia and Tonja, Anston, Jess, Nicole and Clarissa, and so so so so so so many people I love so much. I miss Ana in Brazil with Carolina and Dario. And, I cannot explain to you in words how much I want to be in Washington DC with Mindy and Melissa and little Levi. I keep asking myself what the hell I am doing so far away when all the people I love are home. I have cried several times wanting, needing to be with the people I love.

There are, of course, lots of reason for this. Some include:

--India was exhausting and I have needed a place to truly rest easy. No, I don't mean a beach in some Paradise Island. I have access to all of those. No, I don't mean a 5 star hotel with sauna and a massage. I did that. No, I don't mean exotic meals with the best spices ever and amazing coffees from distand regions in the world. I have all of those things, and everything else within 5 hours and $100 of where I am. I mean the comfort of home. I mean waking up at my mom's house, Drew's apartment, Mindy's house, Tricia's, Nicole's etc (G-d, I have a lot of places where I feel comfortable, how lucky am I!!!) and just strolling to the kitchen and having coffee. I mean sitting in the garden knowing my brothers are at school. I mean cleaning Levi's slober from my shoulder after burping him, eating at Teaism with Mindy and Melissa. I mean the most mundane things that let me rest easily and calmly. These are the places that I want to rest in. If I could only go there for 2 weeks and than come back.

--I need to find a purpose. This travel around the world and blah, blah, blah is great and all, but I need a purpose in life. I NEED to know that what I am doing has a greater purpose than me. I need to know that I am building something. I need it to be concrete. I have met with NGOs doing anti-trafficking work. I will meet with more. Maybe the solutions for now is to do just that, meet with them like hell. But, I think I need to know my meetings have a greater purpose than learning and becoming a better, smarter person who does social justice work. I want to win a campaign, raise a million dollars, build an organization.

--I am my mother's son. I NEED TO DO SOME WORK. Oh my g-d! This vacationing thing is madenning. Beyond purpose, I just need to be useful, practical, and clean something. I have been fighting the urge to start cleaning the hotel room. I want wipe the tables where I eat, go in the back and do the dishes. I need to organize something. It's crazy, but I want to do that so badly.

--I can no longer look at monuments. If I see another statue of anybody I will go crazy. Of course, I am to go to Angkor Wat in 4 days. It's a wonder of the world, and this is how I am feeling. I need to find an activity that takes me away from monuments.

--The Love Boat is has lost it's exciting and new qualities. Talking about travel is all about new experiences, new civilizations, boldly going everywhere. Did you know that even new experiences get boring and routine if you have one every 10 minutes? It's like a line from Into the Woods - But if I life where made of moments, you'd never know you had one. (G-d, how many pop culture references can I person put in 3 sentences?)

Is this just about the grass been greaner on the other side? Not so much. It's that I have been on this side of the garden for a long time.

Today this all means a few things:

--This is normal. This wall was expected and I am committed to witnessing and feeling my way through it, as I have with everything else.

--This is information. With every feeling I learn more and more who I am and what is important to me. My mother has for so long been the pillar of family values and connections in our family, a model really. Today, it is clearer than it has ever been to me that family is everything. I was brought up knowing this. I come from strong family oriented culture. But, when it has now clicked for me in a different way - beyond culture, teachings or the usual "home is where the heart is." These pieces of information are critical when you set off in this kind of experience. They emerge along with knowing that I don't like to move around when I travel. I NEED a sense of purpose in life. I like to see the world with others (Drew, Tricia, Vicky) and the world comes alive to me differently. I like being alone. I love my quiet time. I love the lights of the big city and the peace of the morning in little towns. I love the beach and I could live there. I enjoy the woods and I like to visit them. Some of these things are new, some of them are just a validation of what I already knew.

So much of this travel has been about getting in touch with myself again after several years of loosing my own intuition, and therefore this is all very valuable.

--I feel no pressure either way. These feelings and my subsequet decisions are not about anyone but me. If I go back to the US today it's my decision. If I decide to do this for 10 years, it is also my decision. (Yes, if I decide on the latter I realize this decision will have consequences beyond my imagination from many key individuals in my life - hehe.) I am going to watch myself for the next couple of days and see what happens. I will probably go directly to the beaches of Thailand after Angkor Wat and then come back around for meetings with NGOs in the big cities since beach will help me reconnect with myself. We will see. I figure if I am unhappy at the beach, a sure place where I can sit at ease with myself, than something is definitely not right.

For now I am here. Vicky is an outstanding travel partner. She has been really supportive of my process. She has also taken care of a lot of the logistical madness of travel and that has made this time better. G-d, how lucky I am, how so lucky I am to have such wonderful people in my life.

That's it for now folks. At some point I will write about Vietnam, maybe even later today. For now know this...Vietnam is a must in your travel list. Drew and I have already added it to ours. Eddie, you must come here next. You will melt with all the political history of this place.

Love to all, as always,

Julio

"Into the Woods to Find the Giant..."
www.brazilbean.net