CHILE: BACK to BASICS - A Journey Into G-d Knows Where

It has been a long time and I am not going to write about a place I have been to. I am sorry to all of you who really want to hear about Peru. It will come someday...but for now I am in a different place, a different space. I hope this entry brings some light into the quiteness that has passed in the last few weeks. Do note that this email is pretty what some Chileans would call "heavy," as in the vernacular - QUE HEAVY.

Perhaps the oddest thing about traveling as I have is that when one allows one´s self, if one is open and willing to be vulnerable to life, to travel inside one finds a great deal of things that were unexpected. For instance, the last few weeks have consisted of a great deal of addressing unresolved child abuse issues I had simply forgotten about. I mean, why would I want to remember or overly focus on moments in my life where I basically had very little power and influence over my own destiny? Why would anyone? Those of you who have engaged me in this topic know that it has basically been a topic that I am ok with. Kind of like - it happened, it´s done, life´s short, move on. Maybe that happens with a lot of people. I don´t know. It seems understandable.

What I do know is that some combination of the people I have met in Latin America, doing a lot of yoga, and being in the region of my infancy has made a whole bunch of things come to the surface that are scary, some ugly, and most very good for understanding and moving on in a more healthy, true way. For instance, I have come to realize that a lot of the way that I am in romantic relationships (short or long term) reflect some of the ways I learned to protrect myself from abuse as a child. (NOTE HERE: Not abuse from my family, but a neighbor.) From some theories that I have exchanged over email with my therapist the lack of power in such situations makes it so one actually starts to see sex, or the provision of sex as a tool to liberation rather than simply the crime that is being committed. It is in no way a logical narrative, but rather one of survival. I think a lot about the stories I have read of child sex trafficking. For instance, if a 7 year old knows that the only way to end sexual abuse is to provide sex in order for it to end, and that is the only option, then it is a logical conclusion. And, an intelligent one for the moment, the situation, context.

Unfortunately, for those of us who have had such experiences, and I am certain I am not alone in this group of nearly 400 people who receive these emails, the narrative of survival sometimes haunts and hurts us. In my case it seems like I have translated and retranslated my narrative of providing physically, emotionally, patiently, etc, as a door to acceptance and liberation, sometimes to my own detriment. And, more unfortunate, is that these narratives can sometimes be the ones we fluctuate to naturally...marrying abusers, people with history of addictions, etc. And further and I believe worst, we pull away from those who provide us safety and comfort and love because that feels unconfortable, or we see the lack of struggle as lacking excitement.

The is no question that Child Sexual Abuse Sucks. And, there is no question that no parent or family member ever wants that to pass. Consequently, I am coming from a place of today, not what once was, happened, whatever. What matters to me is how to use that information form the past to inform the present so that I can move on to a healthier future. It is hard work, and add 20+ years of life with natural pains and aches and you get a whole lot of crying and reflecting.

For all those of you who have asked me where I am geographically...Two weeks ago I left Santiago, Chile and went back to Quito, Ecuador. I knew I needed to be there a bit more. As you have read, there was an amazing feeling of home there. My friends and the city itself provided a safe space when what I really wanted to do is go home to the arms of my mother. The night before I left Santiago I had a beautiful dinner with my friends Pepa, Pancha and Romina. And, I started to cry for so many things, so many relationships, so many moments in my life where I feel I have made wrong decision, hurt people I love, hurt myself, hurt. I cried for so long, and continued to cry on and off for the next 8 days in Quito. The good thing is that I happen to think that crying is a wonderful thing. I do believe it is the moment when our bodies can no longer hold emotion inside and the body just has to let it go. With that theory I cried with deep sadness and sorrow for a lot that passed those days, but also knowing that this was a path, a corridor that would eventually get me to the place I will someday arrive at.

Today I am back in Santiago, Chile. I am doing a lot of yoga, a lot, and I am taking good care of myself. I am cooking whenever I can, spending a lot of time with a group of amazing and healthy friends, doing a lot of music therapy, and writing a lot in a new diary. I am not out of the woods yet. Beyond the jungle that is our lives, I am not out of this experience. More is to pass, I can feel it.

Part of the challenge is that I am an intelligent, well-educated American who has been to a lot of therapy, done a lot of retreats and read too many books on self-care. This has translated into being in my head a lot. The Brazilian live-life-fully in me is having a hard time showing himself behind all of the theories of Freud, Jung, and too many Buddhas, Jesuses, and Jews. So, meditation is helping a lot. It takes me out of my head. This is important because the answers are not in my head, I know that too. The most simple way to put this with a few words is two lines from Alanis Morissette´s THANK YOU INDIA, which as you know, I have in this blog somewhere...

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

To me these lines are both powerful and tremendously scary. With all that I do in my life I still cannot say I have let go, but I do know that the last two weeks I got more than I could handle. I am still hesitant to jump off, and I hope someday soon to touch down. Will go bunjee jumping this weekend to practice letting go and trust. No worries, no intention of touching down in this case.

I also keep having these stupid MATRIX moments. Forgive the pop-culture reference for those of you who still read. The moment when Morpheus tells Neo that the Oracle did not tell him what would happen, she only told him what he needed to know, she showed him the door, and he had to walk through it. That is somehow combined with images of the PRICE IS RIGHT where I see all of you, my friends and loved ones screaming - DOOR #1!!!! No, DOOR #2!!!! Try #3!!! And I have to close my eyes and realize that everyone wants the best for me, that everyone is rooting for my happiness, but with your own lenses, lives, moments of pain, struggle and happiness. And I close my eyes really tight and I can´t hear anything. And I think of the Matrix again and all I can think about is that I wish I could look as good as Trinity did in her outfit, and I am back to square one. I did say it was a stupid moment, didn`t I?

And, finally, you may ask yourself why I would write all of this on an email to so many people. Your own answers are probably the right ones. For instance, I know I have scared some people in traveling, especially in Chile with my openess. And, I am probably deeply naive, but I believe this is life. Right here. This is where I find my self and how discover with which lens I will see the rest of the world around me. These moments of going inside, of understanding and feeling and being as truthfull as possible to and with myself are critical. When I break through them I find a truer more authentic way to connect with that which is inside other human beings in pain, and most importantly in joy, celebration, exctasy, jubilation, and in exhailing. It´s the moment I know that I grow deeper and more powerful, and the moment I can be the best Julio I can possibly find inside this personal Bermuda Triangle to show to you as a friend, lover or family member.

Cheers,

Julio, Jules, Juliano, Julinho

"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people." V.

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